When Beliefs Become Identity

A single question I saw online stopped me in my tracks: Why do people defend certain public figures so fiercely, even when evidence suggests they may not be acting in their best interest?

This episode isn’t about politics or parties. It’s about what happens when beliefs, values, or admiration become fused with identity. When criticism of an external figure feels personal. When disagreement feels like an attack. And when curiosity shuts down in favor of defensiveness.

Drawing from psychology, real-life experiences, and a year full of personal challenges, I explore how identity attachment shows up not just in politics, but in celebrity culture, social media, and even our creative lives. I also reflect on moments when I caught myself focusing on what was going wrong — and how being gently reminded of what was going right helped me loosen my grip.

This episode is an invitation to step back, widen the lens, and ask ourselves a harder question: Who are we without the things we cling to for certainty?

Chapters

• 0:03 New Home, New Studio Vibes
• 3:48 Naming The Topic: Identity
• 6:16 The Reddit Question On Loyalty
• 8:24 When Politics Becomes Personal
• 12:07 The Out‑Of‑Body Wake‑Up Moment
• 16:39 Beliefs Are Flexible, Identity Feels Fixed
• 19:19 Red Flags Of Fused Identity
• 24:06 Why Belonging Makes Us Vulnerable
• 28:40 Culture, Faith, And Family Pressure
• 33:20 Practical Ways To Untangle Identity

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:03

Welcome back to mine. This is that isn't about It's about coming home to your stomach, to your voice, to your breath, to the point where you're starting. And when I'm not starting, you're starting again. This is your space to reflect, respect, member, and help you. So pour your cafe seco and let's begin. Hello everyone. And I just have to say that I am so sorry, but then I'm kind of not because this is just what life is all about. And if you have been following me and following my episodes, you know that life happens. And once life happens, there are things that we learn about those moments. And it's okay. It's perfectly fine to go through those ups and downs that life has for all of us. And for me, it's not necessarily an up and down, but it's a transition that I went through where I moved states and moved from one house to another. And as it happens, still settling into my new house, I am talking to you from my sort of brand new studio, which is really a closet. If you listen to my other episodes from way back when, like two years ago, I was in a closet in a garage back then, and now I'm in a closet in one of the spare rooms. I was like, yes, I think this will be perfect. It has carpeting. I don't think I'm going to install all the nice things on the walls as I did on the other one just because I don't want to go through the hassle of having to take all of that down and clean the walls again. But yeah, I'm gonna make this as homey and as efficient as possible for what I want to do with this room or this space, I should say, because it's not really a room, and that is to record podcast episodes and to continue recording the audiobook files for the ordinary bruha. So I just wanted to give you a heads up on that before I start this episode. Because I don't want to like start the episode and it's like, where has she been all this time?

SPEAKER_00: 2:33

It's kind of like the elephant in the room while we're chatting over here and discussing this heavy subject that I'm gonna discuss with you all today.

SPEAKER_01: 2:42

So thank you for sticking around. And if you know of anybody else that was listening, you can go ahead and say, hey, she's back. New episodes, new episodes, come back.

SPEAKER_00: 2:55

And if not, I'm pretty sure everyone will catch up and they will find me again, as it usually happens with the algorithm. By the way, that is Octavia, my cat sneezing because she has had a rough time as well during this transition.

SPEAKER_01: 3:09

Her allergies have like really gotten up a notch right now. Like, I don't know what happened. I guess it's because we went from a not so desert place to a desert environment. So that is really acting up with her allergies right now. I told my husband we need to do a bed appointment for her because it is just it's really bad. She's usually mocosa. Like, you know, she has mochos not a lot, but this is way worse than before. So I know this is not her norm. So I'm like, yeah, we got to do a bet appointment for this one because she's not dealing well right now. But nevertheless, let me welcome you into this new 2026. We're in 2026, folks, to this new 2026 episode of the Have a Couple Joani podcast. And as you know, I am your host, Joa, uh, which is short for Joanny. The H is silent, don't forget that. And on today's episode, we will be talking about identity, and this is stemming from an answer that I gave on Reddit. I've been on Reddit quite a lot lately, and I think it's because it has kind of been gamified for me because of the badges that you get the more that you post. And like on day 75, I think, of posting every day or answering every day, or basically just being on the app every day. So of course I'm like, let me see how far I can take it. And I'm just collecting badges on Reddit. But this episode stems from the question I saw on Reddit. And the question says something like, Why is it that there are certain supporters out there that are aggressively and fiercely loyal to a public figure, even when evidence piles up that this person may not be acting in their best interest? And this is something that I've also seen even before this, because this is not so much about political candidates or politics, but it's more about tying our identity to something or someone. And I've seen it before, like I said, outside of politics too, with celebrities, influencers, and even authors, where we are tying our identity to this other person. And and sometimes, right, there's a harm that comes from that, from identifying ourselves and viewing that other person as an extension of us. Y'all ready for this?

SPEAKER_02: 6:01

Yes, you are. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01: 6:18

So my answer was something like this, not verbatim. When we fuse our identity to a political figure or ideology, we stop thinking critically and start protecting a version of ourselves that feels under attack. And it's usually the version of ourselves that we have attached to this ideal or political figure or even a celebrity, right? And then it stops being so much about whether you're left leaning or right leaning, or whether you're this or that. And it just starts feeling as a personal attack, like these people are attacking me. And a lot of the times you don't see the people that have attached their identity to people or ideals say this out loud, but their actions say it. Right? And we see it because they get defensive. Sometimes defensiveness grows into uh ramblings that don't even make sense. It's like grasping at straws, just so that way they can continue to feel safe. They can defend themselves from these attacks that are happening to them. But when you think about it, it's not really happening to them. No one is attacking them, and they're attacking a person or an ideology. But because this person has attached themselves to that, the attack feels personal. You see, when this happens, it is no longer politics because it has gone to the realm of personal. And I can tell you this because I went through something similar. I remember a while back, somebody was saying something about a candidate, and it was kind of like this out of body experience where I felt myself get really emotional. And it was a kind of emotional that I feel when I'm getting attacked, and I'm fixing to come back with something, right? And it goes, I go through the speech in my head and I start thinking of comebacks, gritty, nasty, you know, all those things that can come back at this person so that way I can one up them because I'm feeling attacked. And this moment was so fast on the outside, but it was so slow on the inside because I took that pause and, like I said, had this auto-body experience where I'm looking at myself, internalizing my reactions, and seeing that I was over here trying to fight someone on the internet. But then I was like, about who? And I asked myself that why am I mad right now at this person? I don't even know. And it was like putting a lupa magnifying glass on this moment and dissecting it and going further through these questions. I noted I had attached myself to this political candidate. So anything that people would say about this political candidate felt like they were talking about Joanne. They were talking about me. And of course, you know, I come from a childhood where I had to defend myself. So I noted that I was feeling the same emotions that I felt when I was a child, and I was being attacked for the way that I look, and I had to come back with these comebacks so that way I can defend myself verbally. I felt push against the wall, how I had to come up quickly with something to say, to retort back, how the feeling of defensiveness, that fighty feeling, like, okay, stand up and fight and defend yourself. I I could feel all of that going through me. So that's why I knew that this comment put me in a position to fight back, but I didn't understand why I felt the need to fight back when no one was saying anything about me. So there was nothing to defend. So because that felt so out of whack when I dissected that feeling, that's when I started to look inward, and that's what I noted. But I had to ask myself, and I had to tell myself, Joah, they're not talking about you.

SPEAKER_00: 11:02

No one is talking about you, you know, your appearance, nothing. None of that had transpired in this conversation. Everything that they're talking about is about this other person. Why are you mad right now?

SPEAKER_01: 11:17

And when I went through that answer in my head, and this was not like outwardly talking to the other person, no, it was like these flashes of seconds in my head where I was able to slow down this moment and capture my feelings and question my feelings and then answer in a logical manner, then I was able to fix the behavior or the actions. If I wouldn't have done that, I would have retaliated against that person. I would have said some very unkind things to that person because I would have taken that comment personally, even though it wasn't a personal comment at all. But when I did that, then I was able to see, okay, Joa, you've done something here. You've attached yourself to this person unknowingly, but you've attached yourself nevertheless. So let's not be reactive in this moment. So I nodded to myself and I wrote a calm response, which said that at the end of the day, regardless of who did that, the actions were wrong and they should carry the same repercussions and consequences. Actions, the consequences, the repercussions should be the same. But let me tell you why things like this happen. And it happens to all of us, not just to me. I'm giving you an example here, but I want you to look back and find your own examples of when something like this happened to you, where you saw your emotions getting out of hand because you had tied your identity to someone, a group of people, or an ideal. And I want you to dissect it the way that I did here, so that way you can learn something from that dissection. But like I said before, this is perfectly normal. It is so normal to go through something like that. But let me explain something to you. Beliefs are flexible, meaning that we can believe one thing, and then when we find data or when somebody brings data to us, we can then change that belief. So beliefs are flexible, however, identity feels permanent, you know, and I I'm talking about like what you have attached your identity to. I am a woman, I am a mother, I am an author, all these different things, right, that we carry within ourselves and that we usually use the I am words for, those things are more permanent, are not so flexible. So that's why this is critical and this can be potentially dangerous, but it can also be really good to do. And I'm gonna tell you why this can also be very good to do. But let's start when this behavior attaching ourselves to a person or an ideal can become problematic. And that is because, as I said before, identity feels permanent, and it is so hard to extrapolate oneself once that identity has been concrete and we have transformed and we see ourselves fully as this human being that has these ideals, or in the case when we're attaching our identity to the person, we may see ourselves as an extension of that person, or we see that person as an extension of us. Example, when they're criticizing that person, they are attacking me as well. That's a red flag because now you have bonded yourself to that person to the point that an attack on them is literally an attack on you. And you may say, comments, if you don't agree with this ideology, you're immoral. And that is a very inflexible way of looking at things because now you have attached yourself to an ideal to the point where any other ideals are just immoral, incorrect, and they serve no purpose in the world. So it's almost like saying my way or the highway kind of thing. Also, right, questioning the idea that you have attached yourself to means that that person that is questioning is automatically the enemy. And that is when this becomes a bad, a hairy situation to be in because now we are no longer critical, we are emotional and we are protecting the ego because ideas have become sacred, untouchable, they're no longer ethical, they're no longer critical, and you and no one else can question them. And this reminds me so much of my grandma telling me when I was little, you just don't question God, you know, just don't question God, just take it, you know. And me being the person that I am, I always had a problem with that statement because I'm like, no, wait a minute. I want to question God. I want to ask him why I was born this way. I want to ask him, you know, why things are this way. You know, I wanted to push back on that. So, but when we are attaching ourselves to an idea, religion, person, a group of people, right? We get to the mindset where that is the only way of being. We will not question it, we will just abide by it. Right. So just think about how dangerous that may be. And there's a psychology behind this. Like I said, this happens to all of us. If you're a human being, you're susceptible to this. You are probably in it. You have attached yourself one way or another to something. And like I said, good and bad. But let me break it down why this is just so human. And that is because humans, we crave belonging. But when I was younger, I thought, because I am an introvert and I crave solitude, and that's where I gain my energy from, that I was less susceptible to this kind of thing happening to me. But I was very, very wrong about this. Because I'm a human being and I crave belonging, no matter how much of an introvert I am. And that's the thing. Politics, religion, in groups, they give you something that we all crave as human beings, and that is community, language, certainty. Leaders then become symbols for us. And then we may stop seeing them as people, and we start seeing them as symbols and figures, right? And it just feels safer, right? It just feels safer than to question it. It's kind of like my what my grandma used to tell me, don't question it. There's a reason for everything, just don't question it. You know? And it is safe to say that. It is safe to believe that. It is safe to attach yourself to that, because it means that you can just take your brain off. And you don't need to feel either which way. You don't need to feel angry at the world or at God, right? Because it you just don't question it. Everything that is happening has a reason, has a purpose, and you're just gonna figure it out later on. You see what I'm saying? So me questioning it, that brought nuance into the conversation, which would have caused my grandma to feel unsafe, you know, to feel disjointed because I am shaking up her identity. You see what I'm saying? So and you can tie it, tie it to religion, tie it to a fandom. Oh my goodness, we have fandoms in in the writing community, in the reading community, tie it to family loyalty as well. You can tie it to so many things where it's like blood or nothing, you know, family or nothing, even though you're dealing with toxic families. You see what I'm saying? And then you all of a sudden become the black sheep when you start questioning that uncontested loyalty that never got questioned before. This is what I'm talking about as a psychology behind tying once identity. It's not always political. It can be religion, it can be a fandom, it can be groups, communities, even family. And we are taught early that uh questioning authority means losing love or safety. You see, I know that's how I grew up. It's like you just don't question God. You know, and that translated to just you just don't question people in authority, you don't question your elders. But you see how dangerous that statement can be? And it can lead to so many different things that are counterproductive to a healthy human being growing. But that was the lens through which I grew up. And I had to unlearn that and learn that it's okay to question things. And I kind of did it as a little kid because I was just so curious, so naturally curious. So I always wanted to know more. And then that translated into an adult that it's asking a lot of questions and is researching quite a lot. And then from my Dominican-American lens, coming from a marginalized community background, where we often cling even harder to political figures who promise protection. So we see them as our saviors, someone that can protect us, you know, from the big bad wolves that we don't know and we don't question it, but we just follow this person and follow their ideals uncontested, because that's gonna be a savior to us. So I also have that background as well. Assimilation as well, kind of like turn into a people pleasing defect. That's What I call it. That also happens as well when you immigrate into a country and you're trying to assimilate, but you assimilate in a way where you lose yourself and you become someone that you're not, you know, so you can please the masses. And then you end up uh becoming a carbon copy of something or someone and not necessarily yourself. That is also attaching your identity to something, someone, an ideal. And let me tell you, if you haven't grasped it yet, or if you haven't seen it from the examples that I've given you, let me tell you when defensiveness is a true red flag that you need to really go ahead and look in the mirror and start questioning yourself. When you can't criticize your side, or you cannot allow somebody to criticize your side without getting those big emotions. When you excuse harm because the other side is worse. That's where I had to stop and say that. And when I said that statement of like, regardless of who did those actions, those actions are wrong. But that was a way of me fixing my train of thought and responding to that other person. You know, because in a way I was excusing harm because I just felt like I had to protect that other side. Another red flag is when you stop listening and you just have calm backs as opposed to truly listening what the other person is saying. Because remember, identity is inflexible as opposed to a belief, that is a little bit more flexible. When you're holding on to a belief, you're able to also assess, question, be able to take in new information, reassess, and change your beliefs. But identity is pretty sad, is I am this boom, and that's it. And more often than not, it's not easy to question it, and it's not easy to reassess and change it. But another red flag is you start moralizing instead of reasoning. See, because you stop taking in information in order to critically think about the information you have and assessing it and comparing it with the new information and therefore throwing some logical reasoning in there, you stop doing that. So that is also a red flag. And think about this. If our values only apply when it's convenient to us, when they allow our beliefs and our identity to be seen as good, then they're not values. Right? They're more like a branding kind of thing. You see? So that's also something to think about. For my example, one of the things that I had to tell myself after that moment was that I am my own person. The public figures are not me. The Kardashians are not me, you know? Political figures, religious figures, right? They're not me. I am this person and they are another person. And I choose my beliefs.

SPEAKER_02: 26:02

Right? Politicians do not know me.

SPEAKER_01: 26:07

Right? They are not my moral compass. And I can agree or disagree with policies without worshipping the person behind them. And that is something that I have told myself over and over. Because remember, like I told you, I come from that background where I don't question, right? I just take it as is and I keep it moving. And that can lead to this the worship of a person without questioning them, and then just taking everything that they're saying without no further logical or critical reasoning thrown into it. And I am very careful not to put these figures on a pedestal. But let me give you even some more tools if you find yourself in this situation, how to untangle identity from ideas. And from my example, I'm gonna tell you the first thing, and you you heard me for my example. I asked myself, why do I feel this mad?

SPEAKER_00: 27:26

Why does this feel so personal? They're not even talking about me.

SPEAKER_01: 27:31

You see what I'm saying? And I I noticed my body reactions before responding. I untangled all of that. But that's the first step is looking inward and asking yourself, why are you taking this so personal? Why? And then the next one will be to separate I believe this from I am this. And let me tell you something that helped me out quite a lot when it comes to political stuff, was that I looked at candidates regardless of where of what leaning they had, whether left or right leaning, and I looked more at their platform, you know, like what were they promising people? What were they saying to their constituents that they were gonna get after? You know, and I looked more at like the the promise of their policies. And then as I got a little older, then I got to also tap into their track record and how easy or how hard it would be for this person to achieve all these promises. Because at first, I'm not gonna lie, when I when I was younger, I would just look at their promises, be like, oh, okay, I believe in this. So I'm gonna go with this person, right? But then, right, as you get mature, you're like, okay, they're promising a lot of things, but not delivering. So then I started looking, what is their promise and what what is their aptitude to deliver on that? You see, regardless of where they lay, you know, what party they were holding on to, I wanted to know more about that individual. And to see if what they were promising was something that I believe in. Without me aligning with this person or without me aligning with this party, I wanted to know what that person is all about. And they say, I believe this, not I am this. So I separated the two, meaning I separated my identity. But it took a little digging around to do that, and and it took me just looking at what they were offering, at what their ideas were, and comparing them with what I believed in to see if they would meld together. And no one really, no candidate from that example is ever like a perfect match. And I equate this to online dating, right? No one is a perfect match, but then I would ask myself, what are my priorities? You know, what are my no fails? Like this person must have this in their agenda, you know, or else, you know, we're not really aligned, we're not really a match here. And I will look at it that way. And then that helped me quite a lot to separate my beliefs from my identity. Another thing is to allow myself to be wrong without shame. And that would come when you stop attaching your identity to people and ideas, because then being wrong is no longer shameful because it's you're not attached to it, right? And you can say, oh shoot, I was wrong. You know, oh well, I'll know better for next time. But it's not like you're trying to hide it, you're ashamed, you're embarrassed, you know, it's nothing like that because it hasn't bruised your ego because you're not attached to it. We discuss why attaching yourself to an ideal, a celebrity, political figure, so forth, religion, it's harmful or can be harmful. And I told you that I would mention when it was actually a productive thing to do. So let me give you a little bit of that now. As you know, many of my previous episodes, especially during the January time frame, I discuss habits, I discuss goal settings, and things like that, right? And this is when I have found that attaching my identity to an ideal has become productive for me. And I'm talking about when I say and I identify as an early riser, you know, and I start saying, I am an early riser, or I am a fit person, I am a productive individual, and so forth. I am attaching myself to this mindset and these ideals in order to help me achieve something, or in order to help me stay consistent with habits, which lead to goals, which lead to achieving things that I've been wanting to achieve. And this is when attaching my identity to those kind of things have helped me out a lot because telling myself and telling others and believing that I am an early riser has helped me to get up and start my day in a productive way that has led me to become healthier, to be able to publish books, have a podcast, and do all these things that are establishing my myself and my name in the platforms where I want to be in. And this has been so beneficial to me. So, like I said at the beginning, attaching your identity to things or hitching your identity to things or figures, it can be harmful. It can also have some good things that come to it. It's just the trick of it all is to not leave your brain at the door when you're doing these things and to know why you are doing it. Unquestioned loyalty is never good. You want to be able to question things, you want to be able to dissect things, to dig deeper into it, to push back on it, because that's the leverage that as human beings that have the ability to reason have. And if we don't utilize that, that's what I mean by we are leaving our brains at the door and we're deciding not to use it. So if you want to gauge yourself as to where you're on the harmful or problematic side of hitching your identity, or you're on the productive side, just ask yourself Am I still letting myself or enabling myself to use my critical reasoning here, my logical reasoning? Am I still allowed or enabling myself to use my brain, or have I left it at the door? And that will give you an answer to that. But let me tell you something as we close down this episode. You are allowed to evolve, you are allowed to change your mind, and no celebrity or political figure or anything like that deserves your loyalty more than your integrity. Think about that. Question yourself, sit with the discomfort, and you don't have to solve it immediately, but at least look inward. Alright, before you go, just take a deep breath with me. If this episode stirred something up, if you felt defensive, uncomfortable, or even just a little exposed, that wasn't an accident. That was the point. Growth rarely feels good in real time. You are allowed to question what you believe, you are allowed to change your mind, and you are absolutely allowed to exist outside of any political figure, party, ideology, or celebrity figure. Your humanity is bigger than any label you've been handed or chosen. If this episode resonated with you, sit with it. Don't rush to defend it, don't rush to debate it, just notice what came up and ask yourself why. That's where the real work begins. If you want to keep having these conversations with me, make sure you're subscribed, leave a review. It helps independent creators like me more than you think. And share this episode with someone who is ready to hear it, not someone you want to argue with.

SPEAKER_00: 36:56

Alright, y'all. This was Joa from the Have a Couple Johnny podcast. It was real. Welcome 2026, and I'll see you all on the next episode. Bye.

SPEAKER_01: 37:06

Oh we could wicked fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding the way back to. And if you have to visit have a couplejohnny.com. For more stories, blog posts, and start it at all. Thank you for being here until next time.