Lessons in Letting Go: Control Isn’t Clarity

I’ve spent most of my life believing that control equals safety. The Army taught me that structure keeps everything running, and for years, I carried that same mindset into my creative life. Every project, every book launch, every to-do list—I ran it like a mission.

But lately, I’ve been learning that control isn’t the same as clarity. It’s fear disguised as discipline.

In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I open up about how my need to control everything—from preorder campaigns and tech glitches to printing delays—nearly stole the joy out of creating The Ordinary Bruja. You’ll hear how a weekend of website chaos, Canva crashes, and printer meltdowns forced me to loosen my grip, surrender the outcome, and remember that sometimes the detour is the divine plan.

Lessons you’ll take from this episode:

• How “discipline” can secretly become anxiety in disguise.
• Why loosening control invites collaboration, creativity, and unexpected blessings.
• How Salvador’s obsession with control mirrors what happens when we force life to obey our timelines.

Because when you loosen your grip, you make space for magic—and that’s when everything begins to flow.

The Ordinary Bruja is officially out now! Dive into Marisol’s story of identity, power, and self-trust here:

haveacupofjohanny.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Grounding And Series Setup
• 0:37 Defining Control And Its Cost
• 2:03 Childhood Survival And Control
• 4:31 Control In The Military Vs Discipline
• 5:35 Creativity Pushes Back On Control
• 7:38 Tech Meltdown And Surrender
• 12:00 Discipline Is Preparation, Control Is Fear
• 14:12 Letting Go As A Leader
• 18:20 Coping Tools: Breaks And Bullet Journals
• 21:56 Surrender Fuels Creative Freedom
• 26:40 Core Lessons On Letting Go
• 28:04 Book Launch And Closing CTA

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Welcome back to the public. It's about going to your stomach. To your point. To your breath. To the point you're starting. And when you're starting off. You're starting again. This is your space to reflect, respect, remember to tell you. So pour your cafecito and let's begin. Hey y'all, and welcome back to Have a Cup of Johnny Podcast. We are in our November series, Lessons in Letting Go. And today's topic is one that keeps circling back into my life, both in uniform and outside of it. And we're talking about control, how it sneaks into everything, how it disguises itself as discipline, and how it can fool us into believing that if we just hold on tight enough, everything will go exactly as planned. But here's the thing: sometimes control isn't giving us clarity, but instead it's giving fear. And sometimes the only way forward is to loosen your grip and let life do what it is trying to do. And you control what you can control. Y'all ready for this one? Alright, let's begin. In this episode, I say reset settings, but what I really meant to say was factory settings. So keep that in mind as you're listening to this episode. First, let's ask where does control come from? I know for me it has been part of my identity for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a world where control meant survival. If I could manage my environment and stay ahead of it and keep things in order, or at least foresee what would happen, I'd be safe. And this is something that I had to learn as an adult, that that's the surviving mechanism that I incurred through surviving my environment as a child. And it was that if I can compensate for certain things, and the way that I could compensate for certain things was by trying to control everything. I have this fear of being rejected and not being liked. So if I can control how other people saw me or felt about me, then I can win over their love. And I talked a little bit about that in my last episode. So I learned to try to control everything in my environment as a way to make me feel safe and as a way to fill my love bucket. I just didn't know that I was going about it all wrong. And this also kind of turned me a little bit into a people pleaser as well. But that's for the another episode, not for this one. Let's concentrate on the trauma that I incurred that pushed me to learn how to control myself, my environment, and other people so that way I can feel safer. Then I joined the military and control became something else entirely. But I also think that I was able to be successful because of that trauma that I already had that taught me how to control a lot of things. Okay, so remember that because this will come into play later on in the episode. Once again, if I could manage my environment, if I can stay ahead of things, if I can keep things in order, people will love me, people will like me, I will be safe. So I kind of, in a way, without even knowing it, brought that over into the military when I join. And also it aligned a lot with the military because now controlling kind of was a thing. It's a big thing. It's almost like policy, but there's some nuance there that I'm not giving to you just yet. Okay. There's structure, there's order, there's chain of command, there's predictability. So a lot of those things in the army is kind of like controllish, but not really. But because I was so good at controlling my environment, then it helped me to be able to do that, to have structure, to have some sort of order. And then when I became a junior leader, maintain some order and give predictability because I was able to control my environment. Because I've been doing it since I was very little. It was already second nature. And I think that's why, like I said, that's why I became successful in the military, because I brought over that mindset in there. But then when it came to my writing, this is where things kind of go like, ooh, there's like this break. Because in writing and creative process, that doesn't really work. Yes, you do need structure, and that's why I have time blocks and things of that nature. You do need order, that's why my desks have to be a certain way, so that way I can function. If not, I cannot function. And you do need predictability, and that's why I plan my books as if I am a project manager. And we will talk a little bit about that in another series. But the creative aspect of it all of writing a book does not necessarily thrive on control. Creative works kind of laugh at control. You can't really schedule inspiration, it just comes. However, I can schedule when I sit on the chair and try to do some things so that way it can come out. But also, you can't make the story obey a certain timeline. And I am what you call a planser where I plan things out, I plan an outline, but I never stick to it because I write character-centric stories, and the characters end up just doing what they need to do in order to reach their arc, in order to reach that change in an environment that the reader will want to see at the end of the novel. And because of that, I write kind of fluid outlines for my books so that way I can move around unrestricted and not feel so guilty whenever I don't hit everything that I put on the outline. And here's the thing: you also can't demand that technology cooperate just because you've got deadlines and pre-orders and expectations. And this is something that I talk about in a video on YouTube and on TikTok as well. And I'll link it here how my pre-order campaign just went bust. Because not the pre-order campaign itself, but the whole billing of it because of plugins and certain things that did not work the way that I thought that they would work. And I ended up having to manually invoice everyone who pre-ordered the ordinary Bruha. So you see what I'm saying? It's like as much as I would have wanted to control every single aspect of this, there's always gonna be something that just flops. Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, would always happen. And in particular, when it comes to this example I'm giving you, I learned a really important lesson and I learned it the hard way. And that is that when it comes to tech and creativity and other things that I'm not necessarily pointing out here, it's just you can't control it. Because let me tell you about this one weekend not too long ago, like a week and ago, when I was finalizing pre-order goodies for the ordinary Bruha, everything had to be perfect. I had a checklist, of course. I had timelines, of course, printer settings, camva files, even the order of the packaging laid out. In my mind, I was running this like a military operation, and I often do. I plan things like going T2T with the planning process. Plan, prepare, execute, assess, you know. But technology had other plans, you know. First, my website started glitching. Like I told you, the plugins were not working, buttons were being obscured because when I fixed one thing, then it became incompatible with another thing. WooCommerce froze. Like I said, the plugins just decided to be like these rebel moody teenagers, and then the printer wouldn't align. And several papers just ripped out of my cricket as I was trying to print certain things, like the character cards and the thank you cards. My Canva files were just like not the right symmetry, and I had to redo that. It just turned into hours of frustration and frustration turned into tears. And in the middle of it all, I heard myself saying out loud, I just need everything to go right for once. For once. Because here was I trying to control every pixel, every line of code, every outcome when none of it was really in my control. And that hit me hard. I was exhausted. And not because of the work itself, because none of it is like manually intensive, but it's mentally exhausting because of my resistance to accept that, that things go wrong. That as much as one can plan things, and I'm not saying don't plan, I will never not plan. I will always plan. But I admit that I need to be more flexible and give myself grace because things go wrong. Websites, they crash, printers, they misbehave, plugins are gonna be rebel teenagers, and I needed to admit to myself that this happens, and it happens for a reason because sometimes the detour that pause is the lesson. And here's when we're gonna go a little bit deeper into the army side of the house, because in that aspect of my life, control and discipline they look identical from the outside, but they kind of do, but there's a difference. There was a nuance that I didn't give you before, and that is that discipline is about preparation, but control is about fear. So it's it's distinct when it comes to that. Discipline is about preparation, but control is about fear. Discipline says, let's plan, let's prepare, but let's stay adaptable. Control says if I don't micromanage every detail, it'll fall apart. And when I told you that I was very successful at it, I was very successful at the army, particularly as a junior leader, which is more like a first-line manager or middle manager. But then I had to learn to let go so that way I can allow subordinates to do things on their own. Because all I knew how to do when it came to leading and managing was how to micromanage the entire process or jump in and do it myself. So that way nothing will fall apart. And the thing is that as you advance, you learn very quickly, and I learned this the hard way, that I could not do everything because then the expand of control widens, it becomes much bigger. The organizations that I'm leading become way too big. So I had to let go of that kind of control, even in the army, and I had to then bring in the trust and bring in the teachings, bring in the training. So that way I'm not only teaching myself to plan, prepare, and stay adaptable, but I'm also teaching others that were my subordinates or my coworkers to do the same. So that way the organization becomes more of a learning organization and a more adaptable organization as opposed to one where every single trooper can only move when one says go. You see how ineffective that is? That is control, which is very ineffective as opposed to discipline when we're planning, when we're preparing ourselves, and we're doing the thing, but we're staying adaptable all throughout. That's a more flexible and effective organization and structure. So that's why I said, like, I didn't give you the nuance before when I first started talking about it, but that's the nuance there. Discipline is about being prepared and giving grace and staying adaptable while control is all about fear. Because we're fearful of what will go wrong as opposed to trusting and knowing that things will go wrong, but we can always regroup and adapt and learn again. And guess out of discipline and control, which one usually wins when I'm stressed. If you guess control, you guess right. And I even caught myself saying that of like, oh my God, I just need to do everything myself. And stress brings on that. I I believe that stress brings on the reset setting that someone has. And like I said, this is something that has been ingrained in me because of the environment that I grew up in, to where like I need to be in control in order to feel safe. So whenever I'm stressed, it's almost like I go back to my reset settings. But I need to remind myself that that's not the right mindset to have, that I have graduated from that mindset. And that's something that I need to be cognizant of because this weekend really stressed me out with the tech issues, with the plug-ins, the pre-order, and all of that. But thankfully, I was able to get myself out of the mindset. But I was kind of in that mindset for a little bit, I'm not gonna lie, over here and said that I've completely overcome all of this. I don't think I've overcome any of my quote unquote bad habits or my reset settings. I think they're always there, but it's something that I always have to be cognizant of, and I'm always gonna have to work through to make sure that I don't fall into those habits. Because this weekend, this past weekend, I did, and I had to work it out so that way I can come out of that. You know, I had to tell myself, Joe, I control what you can control. And I remember I had to step back, talk to myself kindly, and kind of like be my own cheerleader, like you got this. You know, when something didn't work, I would just regroup, do the little oosa, and be like, okay, this is not it. This is good. We found something that didn't work. Now let's go after something that may. And I had to talk to myself this way until we figured it out. You know, me and my crazy mind and filled with the voices trying to bring me down, we worked it out until it was fixed. But it wasn't fixed right away. It was something that I had to go back to and give myself breaks because the stress was overwhelming me. And if I allowed it to overwhelm me, then I would have gotten physically ill or I would have just stopped and not do it at all. I would have had to take an even longer break. So I had to give myself those very conscious breaks while I was working through this because it wasn't done in a span of an hour, two hours, not even a day. It took like that entire weekend of me coming back to my computer, right? Before I stressed myself out, working on something, coming to a certain resolution for that particular issue, and then just taking a pause, taking a break, or going to sleep that day, and then coming back refresh the next day and leaving myself notes of what I'd done, what I had worked out, or what worked really well, and what I still had left to do. And that is something that I always tell people to do. Like if you're feeling overwhelmed, I get overwhelmed when I have a lot of things piled on. Because it's almost like my brain is trying so hard to capture everything, to just like put everything into this purse that is my brain. But then having all those things there just keeps my mind constantly going because I'm always trying to find continuously, even as I'm doing other things. I'm trying to find solutions for the problems that I just stuffed in my bag. Instead of going through that, because then I know for a fact that I won't be able to get sleep if I go to bed like that. What I do is I handwrite it down. I go the manual way. I have a bullet journal and everything is manual in there. It's not, it's not a notes app, it's it's none of that. It's like I manually write the things that I still have left to do. I check off the things that worked, I put a line through the things that didn't work, so I know, but I do this manually and then I set it right next to my computer, and that gives me peace of mind that I am tracking the things that I still need to work on so they're not hovering inside my mind as I'm trying to go to sleep. So that is something that I've learned to do. So that way I can get rest, I can get sleep, which is very much needed, so I can continue on pursuing my dreams the next day. But nevertheless, I had a mini meltdown when this happened. And I did all those things that I talked about with you, and it was kind of like a surrender, you know, like just me telling myself it's gonna get worked out. I have no control right now of when it will get worked out, I just know that it will. And I also don't have no control on how it will get done, I just know it will, and I don't have a timeline. And it's kind of like that surrender that I had to do. And that's why I said, like, I learned the hard way to let go of control this weekend. But while I know it in the back of my mind that it's not good to be that controlling, you see how because I was so stressed when things were going wrong, that I turned to that right away. I went back to my reset settings and I had to remind myself and work through that out so that way I wouldn't stay stuck there. And the way that I was able to come out of that mindset was by letting go of control, surrendering to the chaos and coming up with my notes, right? And writing down the things that I still had left to do and the things that I had tackled and done, because that was very important for me to show progress to myself. So that way I know that not everything is bad, that not everything is undone, that I have in fact accomplished some things. Now, here's the part that gets spooky in the best way. Because this theme that we're talking about today, this obsession with control, isn't just my story, it's also Salvador's story in the ordinary bruja. I am telling you, for me, I mine my things, my trauma, my shortcomings, and I put him into these characters. And this was something that I gave Salvador Espinal. He represents that, he represents what happens when you try to contain power that's meant to move freely. He's that voice in my head that says, I can bend this to my will, even when bending it destroys it. He's that, that voice. And Marisol in the soy will she's a counterbalance. She learns that trying to force her magic, trying to make it behave a certain way backfires. Her power only grows when she trusts it, when she surrenders to it. And that's been my journey as well. The best moments in my art and life have never come from control. Have never. And I've said this before joking with people. I get better when I stop giving a F. That's when I let go of control. Everything flows, you don't understand. And I've seen this in real life. I remember I was like so wound up tight doing something. I forgot what it was. And then the minute I was like, F it, who cares what people think? It just flowed out of me. And it was like this kind of surrender that created this magnificent thing. I think I was writing something, but I can't, I can't remember exactly what I was doing. But I remember that I was so wound up tight about it, about the perception, about what people will think. And then the moment that I just let go of that, and I was like angry because nothing was coming out. And then I just said, like, eff it. And I remember saying that and just being so tired of feeling that way and thinking that way. And the moment that that happened, poof, it was like the floods, you know, it just everything just flowed. And that right there is a great example of how control is rooted in despair, and it's also rooted in scarcity. It says if I don't handle everything, nothing will happen. But creativity is actually rooted in surrender and freedom and in abundance. It whispers, even if this doesn't work, something else will. It was kind of like me saying, I'm gonna work this out. I don't know exactly how, I don't know when it will get done, but I know I'm gonna work it out. And I started writing uh things that I could be doing and that I would be doing. You see, and the more that I tried to control my creative process, the smaller it became. But when I let it go, when I stopped policing every line, every task, every outcome, and just not giving an F, I created from joy and it expanded. That's where magic lives. And that's also where the ordinary Bruja was born from that moment of I don't care. I don't care what these self-hating Dominicans think. I don't care, I'm gonna write this story. That's how the ordinary Bruja was born. It wasn't for me forcing myself to create something perfect, but from just surrendering to this thought that I had that I had to care about other people's perception of my work, that if I just control everything that there is about it, this will be a perfect story that everyone will want to read. But when I let go of that, that's when the ordinary Bruha was born. And that's when a lot of things actually, when it comes to my creative side and other sides of me were born as well. So here's what letting go of control has taught me. And that is that control is often fear, pretending to be disciplined, that when you loosen your grip, you make space for magic, and that life works better when you work with it, not against it. Remember, I'm not saying abandon your goals, I'm saying hold them gently. I'm not saying not to plan, not to prepare, I'm saying plan, prepare, and then trust that what's meant for you will flow to you. Sometimes it's gonna flow in messy and unexpected ways, but nevertheless, it will flow your way. If you can do that, if you can let go, if you can surrender, if you can be adaptable and flexible, if you can do that, you'll find that the moments you used to label as quote unquote failure often turn into the detours that lead you exactly where you need it to go. So that's the lesson for today. That's the lesson in letting go that control isn't clarity. It's fear, it's just noise that keeps us from hearing what's really trying to come through. When you release the need to control, you make space for alignment. And that's where all the good stuff lives. And speaking of alignment, y'all, my novel, The Ordinary Blue Ha, is officially out. It's officially out. Uh-uh. It's been out for a week. It's a story about identity, magic, and learning to trust what's unfolding even when it doesn't make sense. If you've ever tried to control an outcome out of fear, you'll feel seen in Martisul's journey. You can order your copy today at haveacoupani.com. You can email me at Joa at haveacoupani.com. You can check me out on TikTok at Couple Joani or at the Book Bruja or on Instagram and threads and Facebook at have a cup of joani. Until next time, remember you can't force magic into a box. Mm-mm. You just have to make room for it to breathe. Gotta let it breathe. Alright, talk to y'all later. Bye. Oh we could weaken fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back to. And if you haven't yet, visit have the cupofjumani.com. For more stories, blog posts, and started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be stuck, be bold, and old. Have a cup of joining.