Lessons in Letting Go: Perfectionism Isn’t Protection

Perfectionism loves to lie to us—it says, “If it’s flawless, you’ll finally be safe from criticism.” But the truth is, perfectionism doesn’t protect you—it prevents you.

In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I share what letting go of perfectionism has taught me as a writer, soldier, and creative woman. From the late-night rewrites that nearly drained the joy out of The Ordinary Bruja to learning that my worth isn’t measured by polish, this conversation is for anyone who’s ever felt trapped by their own standards.

You’ll also hear about my favorite chipped mug—a reminder that imperfection is where the beauty really lives. Inspired by The Parable of the Chipped Mug, this story helped me see that what’s cracked can still carry warmth, purpose, and love.

✨ The Ordinary Bruja is officially out now! It’s a story about identity, belief, and self-trust—a reminder that you don’t need to be perfect to be powerful.

Order your copy today and step into Marisol’s world of Dominican magic and self-discovery:

👉 haveacupofjohanny.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Monthly Theme
• 0:42 The Ordinary Bruja: From Micro To Novel
• 3:36 Release Details And Audiobook Plans
• 4:22 Naming Perfectionism And Its Roots
• 6:31 Army, School, Motherhood, And Writing
• 8:24 Art As Connection, Not Armor
• 10:13 The Parable Of The Chipped Mug
• 14:58 Beauty Standards And Assigned Value
• 17:24 Personal Imperfection And Worth
• 21:09 The Bonus Chapter Typo Dilemma
• 24:35 Cost Of Chasing Perfect
• 26:33 Permission To Be In Process
• 28:02 Proof Over Perfection In Publishing
• 31:00 Indie Author Flexibility And Grace
• 32:48 Magic Flows When Control Lets Go
• 34:05 Practical Takeaways And Self-Check

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

It's about coming to your stuff. To your point. To your breath. To the point you're starting. And you're not starting. You're starting to. This is your space to reflect. So pour your cafe seco and let's begin. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Have a Cup of Johnny Podcast. I am your host, Joa, and this month, the month of November, we are continuing on with the lessons I've learned. And this time we're gonna go with lessons in letting go. That's the theme of all the little things I had to let go in order to grow. A lot of time we may think that letting go is giving up or letting go is taking away from the self. But what letting go has taught me is that sometimes you have to let go of certain things so that way others can come in and expand you and help you grow a little bit more. So I have learned to see the act of letting go as pruning, as shedding, so that way I can grow in a much better way than before. So that is our theme for this month. And today we're going to be discussing letting go of perfectionism. It is this story that has been living with me for years, years. It started as Instabruja, which was a micro story on Instagram through the story format on Instagram. I released it during COVID as a way to connect and share in some sort of joy or entertainment towards others that were stuck at home or were going through some very traumatic and difficult things in their lives at that time. And that was my way of giving back to others and giving back to myself. And then something happened, and that story turned into something completely different. It stopped being this whimsical short story or micro story, as I stated, and it became this full-length psychological horror with touches of magical realism and gothic, which became instead of the insta bruja, the ordinary bruja. Marisol has always been part of this story. That's the main character in the hill, has always been part of this story. And the hill has always held this mystical growth symbol in the story, something that Marisol has to climb in order to find herself that has stayed very constant. But a lot of different things change. So it's being released on November 4th. So by the time you listen to this episode, it would have already been released. So I encourage you all to go ahead and get it. It is an ebook in paperback as well as hardback. And I am currently working on the audiobook. So it will be on audiobook as well in a month or two. But yeah, get it so that way you can read what it's all about and you can kind of understand. Because if you're listening to this podcast and you have been listening to this podcast, you kind of know my inner workings and you would understand the story perhaps a little bit more than someone who has never heard this podcast because you kind of have seen or peeked a little bit inside my mind. But nevertheless, the theme is lessons in letting go, because pushing out this book has pushed me to let go and continue to let go of certain things. Perfectionism being one of those main things that I am constantly striving to shed and to not pick back up because perfectionism has followed me like a shadow. Like a shadow. It is a myth, it is a myth, it is a myth, I am telling you. I grew up believing that doing everything perfect was how you earned love, how you earned respect and safety. In the army, for sure, perfectionism is rewarded. I wouldn't say it's much of a myth there because a lot of the times precision saves lives. So perfectionism is rewarded, but it has a good reason as to why. In school, though, being a good student, it kept me out of trouble. And it also fed into my ego and into my love bucket. But it wasn't the right way to earn love. I didn't know that then. But I was trying to do that through good grades and just being a perfect student. And as a mom, I also brought in perfection because I thought that perfection would protect my son from the same chaos I grew up in. And I was wrong. And as a writer, I mean this one cuts deep as well because perfectionism in writing, that is truly paralysis in disguise. And it's so insidious. When I was drafting the ordinary Bruha, there were nights that I'd sit at my desk in early mornings, because that's really when I do my drafting, and just stare at a single sentence for hours, or just don't move from a passage. People, during the drafting phase, when you should just be spilling everything out, right? And I used to tell myself, if it is perfect, then no one will reject it. No one will say that my story sucks. But that's the trap right there. Because perfectionism didn't protect me from getting bad reviews or someone rejecting my story or not liking it. Instead, what it was doing, it was preventing me from finishing it. And if you're listening right now and you've been holding on to something like me, a book idea, a business, a dream, an action, because it's not quote unquote ready yet. I want you to ask yourself, is it not ready? Or am I just afraid and holding myself back? And think think about those questions and also think about the answer that comes forward. Because perfectionism is just fear wearing makeup. It's the fear of being seen. I know for me, that's a big one. The fear of not being enough, the fear of rejection. So it's kind of like control doubt again, dressed up as preparation. When I think about where that came from for me, I realize it wasn't just about the task, it was about worth. Because in my mind, I'm like, if I could make it perfect, no one could say I wasn't smart enough or creative enough or professional enough or Latina enough or disciplined enough because that's another thing. Perfectionism disguises as discipline sometimes. So you need to be aware of that. And you see, that's the problem because perfectionism turns your work into armor. It makes you think that if you polish it enough, it'll hurt less when people criticize it. News flash, it does not. But also, like if you're in the creative spectrum, let me just tell you this, and I'm telling this to myself as well. And that is that art isn't armor, it's meant to be connection. And connection only happens when you leave the cracks in. Because through those cracks, you can peek into the humanity of the person that did that creation. Let me tell you a quick story because I've been reading up a little bit about the broken mug story or allegory or parable, if you may. I think it's more like a parable. And I found this, I read it in a lot of different blogs, and finally the one that I'm kind of like, okay, this is this is something that I want to share with my audience, and it's coming from stemit.com. And it is spelled st-e-e-m-i-t.com. And here it is, and this is from eight years ago, and it's called the Parable of the Chipped Mug. And it says here, I remember reading a short picture book as a child in grade school, and the message of the story remains with me to this day. I don't recall the title or the author. Many details of the story remain hazy. My efforts to rediscover the source has been fruitless, as my efforts as well. So I must paraphrase the story for you here as best as I can. The story tells of a group of children in primary school. Every day lunch would be served and milk would be provided in enamel mugs. Most of the mugs showed somewhere from years of daily use, but one mug in particular was worse than the others. It was cracked and had recently acquired a sizable chip along the rim. I had a mug like that as well in real life. And the child that received the chip mug for the day would be teased by the others. None of the children wanted to drink their milk out of the chip, cracked, less than perfect mug. None of the children, well, except for one. One day a small little girl in a very quiet voice piped up as the cups of milk were being issued. May I have that chip mug, please? She sat for lunch and happily drank her milk out of the cracked chip mug while the other children laughed and teased her. At lunch the next day she excitedly asked for the beat up mug again, and so it went on, the small little girl happily drinking her milk with lunch every day. The chipped mug became special to her. Soon, another child asked for a turn, drinking out of the chipped mug. Before long, the chipped, cracked, worn out mug became a favorite of the children. And the child who received the mug with their lunch for the day felt quite special indeed. So this is what they called, and this is Fluster Farm wrote it eight years ago, and they have titled this The Parable of the Chipped Mug. And it tells you a lot here. To me, it tells me that not only is perfectionism a myth, but also that we assign values to things. So we get to determine what is perfect and what is beautiful. And that's why I go back to perfectionism is a myth, is something that we have made up based on whatever math we had computated in our brain. But because it's a made-up math and made-up computation, we can easily dismiss it and we can easily assign value to something else that we care more about or something else that we want to do in order to change the status quo. And you see that happening recently in the beauty industry where we're breaking out more and more from the normative beauty standard that we have seen for years, and we have steadily been assigning value to other things that before we have not, or recently we have not. Because if you notice throughout the decades of life, of society, of the world, what is perfect and what is beauty has been varied. It has been vastly different, and it also depends on the region, the country, the climate, the culture that someone is part of as well. So as you can see, when we kind of like close ourselves off to this idea of what is perfect, we start to believe that that's the only way, that's the only thing, that's the only computation that we can ever use to come up with what is perfect, but it's not. Here in the story of or the parable of the chip mug, this little girl, she chose to do something different, she chose to drink out of the imperfect mug, and thus she gave it value. Because I told you as I was reading the story that I had a mug like that, and I wasn't like this little girl, I threw mine away because instead of seeing the usefulness of it, I was just more focused on how it was gonna rub my lip the wrong way or in an uncomfortable way, I should say, and that it would just upset me time and time again. As opposed to me thinking, well, this mug still works. I can place my lips on the other side of that rim, which is like plenty of space there that still works, but instead I was like, I'm going to discard it, I'm going to throw it away because it's no longer perfect, even though it still did its thing. It was still meeting its purpose. It just aesthetically didn't look like the other mugs. And I'm saying this out loud right now, and I'm like, out of everyone in this world, I should know that. Because I was born imperfectly with a lazy eye. So superficially, I look different than the quote unquote norm, but my eye still functions. So it still does its thing, it still does what it's meant to do, which is see. And for whatever reason, the doctors didn't understand how, but I guess because this is how I was born, so my brain was able to rewire itself. It's very moldable when you're young. So I never saw double. When other people, like if they get this condition later on, usually they see double. But I think it that's because their brain has already wired itself a certain way, while my brain got to mold itself around this condition that I have, which is why it's a condition and not a disability. And out of everybody, I should know that being imperfect does not mean that one can be discarded or that one cannot do the thing that they were meant to do. You know, but it's just it's so crazy how that myth of imperfection gets you. Because you you are seeing things in your world that are a certain way. And the minute you see something that is not that way or doesn't follow that trend, then automatically you want to reject it. It's almost like that's your first instinct to reject it. And and I'm starting to do a pause in there as opposed to just a full-on rejection and have myself ask these questions. Does it still meet this purpose? Is it still usable? Is it just aesthetically different? Because that is why I say that the myth of perfection is so insidious. And I can take this to my writing. Let me give you another example because this just happened recently. So I just packed a pre-order last night, actually. I just packed the pre-order last night. I'm hoping I get a few more before November 4th. And I saw in there that in my bonus chapter, I had put the word 2 T-O-O as opposed to 2 T W O. A very humanistic thing to, for me at least, superhuman here, people. That sometimes I write a word that has the same sound but different spelling. I write the wrong one in the manuscript. I have caught myself doing this several times. The bonus chapter is not a chapter that went through all my editors, it's just a chapter that I have self-edited because I didn't put it in the manuscript when I sent it to the editor because it was a chapter that I pulled out of the manuscript. And editors, they charge based off of words. So as I was self-editing my chapter, I was taking out those things that I felt was redundant or didn't move the story forward. However, I keep some of those things because I could eventually use it on another story in the trilogy, or I can use it for this to give to my readers as additional bonus stuff that were once part of the story, but on the published version, it was not. And this was one of those things. And I had already printed and put the chapter together. And let me tell you how many times I was like, I'm going to trash this and do it all over again. It was late for me. I was already tired. I knew that I would just be putting my sleep in the back burner, which I shouldn't do because then it messes up my entire next day. But I was here looking at this imperfection, and I wanted to trash it and start all over. But then I was like, Joah, it's just a bonus chapter. Why don't you just cross it out? And it was so, I can't believe like that was not the first thing that came to my mind. The first thing that came to my mind was, I'm gonna trash this and I'm gonna start again. And then when I started to start again, I noticed that I needed to do even more steps because I needed to rewrite it on the Word document, then export it into a PDF format, into Affinity Publisher, and then put the pages on the layout of a Zion and then print it out. So I would have had to do like four more steps. And I was already tired and I needed to get my sleep so that way I can come back in the morning and record this podcast and do other things as well before I go into work, you see. So being a perfectionist, if I would have stuck with like doing it all over again, it would have cost me more than just that time. It would have cost me my time the next day as well. It would have cost me like my well-being for the entire next day because if I miss sleep, it affects me. I drag the entire next day and I cannot recover. I know this about myself. But I wanted to do that. I wanted to put myself in that predicament just so that this one thing could be perfect. But I am so thankful that, like this little girl on the chipmug parable, I stopped and I asked myself, like, is this really necessary? Can I just cross it out? And it will meet the intent. It will show the reader that it's supposed to be a TWO, not a T-O-O. And I answered myself, I was like, yes, it will still meet the intent. And that's what I did. And then I put it on the padded envelope, and I closed that order, put the shipping label on it, and put it in the box to be shipped the next day. You see, but I was holding back. So that's what I'm saying. Perfecism is this thing, this force that controls you, that holds you back from thinking it's enough. Move forward. So that's why I want y'all to pay attention to this when it comes through for you, because I know it does for me, because I have the trauma of being rejected, of being neglected, of not being loved. And I found that by being a really good girl, by being perfect, that I gained admiration and I mistook admiration for love. And that's why I say, like, I thought it was filling my love bucket, but it wasn't. It was just me building on that trauma in the only way that I knew as a child, by being a good girl, by being a good kid. And that turned into perfectionism as an adult. So I want y'all to pay attention to that because as you can see, it can cause chaos. It could be a detriment to your growth, to your mental health, to your well-being, to your steps moving forward in your life to learn, to grow, to become better, to expand into the version that you're meant to be. And yesterday I went through that. And I'm glad I caught it and I'm talking to y'all about it. So please pay attention to those parts of your day or of your life where it comes through. And that way you can catch it so it doesn't stop you from moving forward. Because here's the thing that perfectionism also doesn't tell you, and that is that it's exhausting. It is exhausting, it's a moving target, y'all, because perfect never stays still. And when you finally finish something, instead of celebrating, you find the flaws. And guess what? All those times I held myself back. Thankfully, I finished the ordinary Bruha is being released tomorrow on November 4th. But all those days that I held myself back because I thought it wasn't perfect, and I went back and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until I will go back to the paragraph that I started with and that told me I had gone too far into this perfectionism rabbit hole. I will never get it back. I will never get those days back. Never, never, never. And I could think about all the things that if I wouldn't have held back, I would have been better off. But even that, it's another sign of perfectionism, of me saying should've, could have, would've, and beating myself up over it. So I'm not, but I am telling you, look out for those things. And let me say this clearly. So that way we're all in the same sheet of music here. And I'm sorry if I'm sounding preachy, but I don't want y'all to be in the same predicament as me because it's so insidious, it's horrible, it's like this hole that is so hard to come out of. But you're allowed to be proud of your progress, even if it's messy, even if it's a bonus chapter that you cross out one word and put the right one in. You're allowed to be happy about that. You're allowed to be proud of that progress. You're allowed to rest even when it's not done, so you can get back up the next day and hit it again. And you're allowed to be in process and still be worthy of joy. And when I say process, I mean you are allowed to be becoming, like Michelle Obama says in her book, like in this stasis of constantly moving forward, learning and growing. God, I hope that you're always in process. Because that's where we need to be. Always in process, moving, not stagnant. So think about it that way. No, I'm supposed to be this way, always learning from what you could have done better. Take that as a joyful moment when you spot those things. So that way in the next iteration, you can do it better. But understanding that perfectionism, the act of something or someone being perfect, is erroneous. It's a lie, it's a myth. So, how do we let go of perfectionism? Well, for me, it starts with proof. You heard me say this before. Proof. I proved to myself time and time again that being done is better than being perfect. When I hit publish on my first blog post, even though it wasn't exactly how I wanted it, people still connected with it. They sent me messages, they hit likes, they related to it. That was proof. Was it poorly written? Yes. Was it missing a few commas? I hate commas, I don't know how to use them. Yes. But it did what it was supposed to do. The blonde post was supposed to connect with people, and that's what it did. And the proof was the comments, the messages, the little hearts on the likes. You know, that was the proof. When I designed my first book cover, oof, it was horrible. But some people knew the genre from it, so it did what it was supposed to do. I don't think I'll ever do that again, but I tried, you know, and that was proof. I tried, I did something imperfect, but while it was superficially imperfect, it did what it was supposed to do. That was proof. And every time I share something imperfect, and someone says, Oh, that helped me. Oh, I can see myself in this story. Oh, this story felt like a warm hug. That's more proof that my purpose, what I do, isn't perfection. My purpose is not in perfection, it's in honesty, in authenticity. So now I I try to give myself three permissions. Permission to show up messy as I am, permission to learn publicly and to fail publicly as well. It's a harsh thing to do, but it happens, especially in this world that we live in, where a lot of things are on social media. So I give myself that permission. Permission to celebrate progress instead of polish. Because letting go isn't just emotional, it's practical. It's these small acts of release every day that by shedding them, I am allowing myself to expand. And this ties back to being an indie author because indie publishing demands flexibility, and flexibility demands grace. If you wait until everything is perfect, your website, your graphics, your writing, your confidence, oh my goodness, you will never hit publish. You will never do that thing that you want to do. It may not be in the publishing, but it may be something else that you're trying to do. So if you don't let go of that, give yourself that flexibility and that grace, you'll never go on to the next step. And I've learned to say this. This is the best I can do right now, and that's enough. And you heard me say this this is the best I can do right now with the resources that I have, and that is enough. Because when I look back later, I'll see how much I grew, and that's something to be proud of, not to be ashamed of. I want y'all to read this book, learns this too. Oh my god, she learns it. When she tries to control magic, it backfires. When she lets it flow, when she trusts in herself and knows that she is magic, guess what? It blooms. That's what happens when we release perfectionism. We make room for power to flow naturally. So here are some takeaways for you before you go about your day. And that is that perfectionism isn't about standards, it's about fear and control. Remember that. Good enough doesn't mean that you've lowered the bar, it means you've raised your faith. Perfectionism doesn't keep you safe. I still got some quote unquote negative reviews. As much as I perfected this book, and guess what? I will continue to do so as well, and it will be okay. So perfectionism didn't take that away. But what it was trying to do, it was trying to keep me small. It was trying to keep me from doing the thing that I love, from fulfilling my purpose, which is to share stories with the world. So now when I catch myself re-recording, rewriting, or redesigning something for the tenth time, I ask, am I making it better? Or is it just making me tired? And usually the answer tells me everything I need to know and move forward. So, asitos, that's today's lesson in letting go. If you've been waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect plan, the perfect words, is time to let that go. This is your sign. Perfectionism doesn't protect you. Your authenticity does. And speaking of authenticity, I'm gonna remind you again the ordinary Bluha is officially out. This story means everything to me because it's imperfectly real. It came from the messiness of healing, identity, and self-trust. And I'm gonna put the link on the show notes so that way y'all can get it. If this episode resonated with you, email me at Joa at have a couplejoani.com or you can connect with me on TikTok. I'm there under two profiles at Couple Joani as well as the book Bruja. Or you can catch me on Instagram, threats, or Facebook at have a cup of Joani. Till next time, take a breath, hit send, share your work, post a thing, and let go of being perfect. You are enough exactly as you are. Cracks, coffee stains, and all. Go on and take the world. Bye. Oh we could weaken fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back to. And if you haven't yet, visit have a cup of johnny.com for more stories, blog posts, and started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be stuck, be bold, and only have a cup of joining.