Lessons in Self-Doubt: Escaping the Comparison Trap

Some days, self-doubt doesn’t shout—it whispers. It sounds like “You should be further along by now.” It looks like scrolling through someone else’s success and wondering why you’re not there yet.

In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I open up about how easily I fall into the comparison trap—especially as an indie author juggling a military career, family life, and creative dreams. I talk about the “should haves,” the guilt that comes with them, and how I’ve learned to bring myself back to reality.

You’ll hear how shifting from shame to curiosity, and from self-criticism to self-compassion, helps me grow instead of spiraling because we can admire someone else’s path without abandoning our own.

Be reminded that your timeline is valid and your magic is unique and preorder The Ordinary Bruja, a story for anyone learning to trust their own rhythm:

👉 haveacupofjohanny.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Settling In & Theme Setup
• 0:37 Naming The Comparison Trap
• 2:26 Triggers Versus Root Causes
• 4:44 The Should Haves Spiral
• 6:02 Reframing With Reality And Proof
• 9:36 A Real Example: Street Team Vs ARC
• 12:12 Results Check: Measuring Real Progress
• 14:30 From Jealousy To Curiosity
• 16:14 Grace Over Shame
• 17:06 Fiction Mirror: The Ordinary Bruja
• 18:12 Core Lesson And Reassurance
• 18:55 Preorder Details And Goodies
• 20:21 Final Mantras & Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

It's about coming home to your stuff. To your point. To your breath. To the point you're starting. You're starting. This is your space to reflect. So pour your cafe seat and let's begin. Hello everyone, and welcome back to Have a Couple Johnny Podcast. This month we are diving into lessons about what self-doubt taught me. And today's lesson is one that sneaks up on me more often than I like to admit, particularly now that I am launching my first novel in Las Cerradoras trilogy, which is titled The Ordinary Bruja. I am feeling the pressure, I am feeling the crunch. And because of that, it inadvertently just brings in these counterproductive thoughts that have been tampered down before, but stress usually lifts them up. It's like when it senses pressure, like a pot boiling, it just frothes over. That's that's how I imagine it being. And that's how what stress does to the lingering doubt and all the counterproductive thoughts and habits that are usually there, but we don't usually feel it or deal with it until that pressure and that stress comes around. But I wanted to explain it my own way, and that is the comparison trap. That quiet, creeping voice that says, you should be further along by now. Look at them, they're doing better, and now look at you, you're not. Are you ready? Let's go. So, yeah, that comparison trap is no joke because no matter how grounded I try to stay, there are still days when I scroll through social media, see someone else's, highlight real, and suddenly I'm questioning everything that I'm doing about myself, my pace, my strategy, even sometimes my purpose, which is that's when I know like I've reached a low low. And every single time I have to bring myself back to reality. And for me, I have found that it's not necessarily that I need to not look at social media, although that's like the first thing that I do. I put a pause where I just scroll really fast through it because looking at that has triggered something in me. But that's not necessarily the culprit of it all. That is just what triggered it. And I don't want to confuse myself that the triggers are the culprit of my trauma. It's not, it's just something that reminded me of it, and hence why it's called a trigger. So I can take away social media all day long, I can put a pause on it, but the trauma is still there. I all I did was like get away from the trigger so it doesn't bring it up. But I know from doing therapy and working on myself that what I really need to work on is the underlying trauma, which is uh perfectionism. Once I work on that and get a good handle on it, no matter what I see, it's not gonna trigger that. But also I know that stress also brings it up, like y'all heard me saying. So I just want to put that out at the beginning of this episode because I don't want to uh be the one that points the finger at something that is not really the culprit of it all when it's some underlying issue there. Because I don't want us to try to fix superficial scars when the problem is deeper down and we're just choosing not to tackle the real problem. That's with a lot of things in life, okay? But let's start with the should haves because that's usually something that populates very fast whenever I get stuck on the comparison trap, and that is should haves. I should have done this, I should have done that, if I would have had this, if I would have done that. And and for me lately, it's like I should have had a street team for the ordinary bruja, I should have been more social on social media, I should have posted more content, I should have been more consistent on my blog posts and my newsletter, you know, all these things are coming up as I'm like two weeks from releasing this book and seeing other people, supposedly, because I can acknowledge that what I'm seeing is not the full truth. What I'm seeing is just what that person is choosing to show. So I bring a little bit of reality into this mess with that, with acknowledging that not everything that I see on social media is the complete and honest truth. There's a lot of sides to it, and I'm just seeing one tiny little side of what that creator chose to show. So that kind of like tampers down my emotions a little bit, but what really helps me out is to acknowledge that I may not have done everything, or I may not have done everything on the list of what will make a successful book launch, but I've done everything that I could have done with the resources that I have. You see? So that's what I do when I catch myself in that spiral moment, and that usually helps. But let me tell you what really helps. What really helps is me writing in the journal and acknowledging those things that I could have done, but I still didn't do either because of time or poor planning on my part. And then I write it down as a way forward for the next book launch in the series, which will be the Forgotten Bruha. And that really like puts my mind at ease because I know that I have a way forward, and it kind of like keeps me from completely spiraling down and just fully focusing on how horrible I've done, which is not true. But when I get into that mindset, I I can go all the way down and then just hone in or focus only on what I've done wrong, and then that just like creates this very pessimistic point of view, and then it can get very depressing, you see, and I've read this somewhere as well that should have halves are a very toxic thought to have, and now I understand how I spiral so easily whenever I tune in into those kind of thoughts, and I'm glad that I have a way to come out of that because I know you all heard of this before, this sort of mantra that comparison is the thief of joy, but it's also the thief of perspective. Think about it this way because if you get out of your feelings, when I get out of my feelings and I think about this objectively, and I'm like, first of all, I'm not seeing that creator's full truth, they're not showing me the messiness. If they're like me, they're only showing like the good stuff, you know. That's what and I put that on my personal Facebook account a long time ago. I was like, look, y'all not gonna see like my messy side over here. You gotta like be dealing with me in real life to know that. Here, I'm just doing the highlights, you know, the good highlights. So that way y'all can feel overjoy with me, y'all can uh share in my successes and stuff like that. But me personally, I don't tend to put in the low lows, the, oh my God, I'm going through this, you know, financial crisis or I'm going through this marital crisis or this motherly crisis or something like that. I don't put that in just because I don't want to bring in opinions that are not necessary on my life. I feel very capable sorting those things out on my own. If and if I'm not capable, then I'd rather reach out to specific people as opposed to reaching out to a plethora of people on the internet, which I haven't vetted, which uh some of them I wouldn't care to have their opinions, you know, and things of that nature. And I just don't want to bring that chaos. So that's my objective point of view when it comes to what I share on social media. And I'm very cognizant that I'm not the only one like that, that other people are like that as well. They pick and choose what they're gonna share on social media. So when I bring that into perspective, it kind of kills it a little bit, you know, that comparison trap, that very toxic downward spiral that happens when you start thinking, I should have done that, I should have done that, I should have said that, I should have acted this way, you know, and that is like so effective whenever I just point that out to myself. Because remember, like I said in the last episode, when I'm in this mindset, I'm not being logical, not being rational, I'm fully in my emotions, these very counterproductive or otherwise known as toxic emotions that can lead to depression and other, you know, bad things, bad actions to happen. Because it's just you're gonna feel hopeless, you're gonna feel as if you have no way out. And that is not the true reality of things. That is just what your your brain is having you see because you're feeling depressed, because for whatever reason, you're not lining up with what you're being shown, this very superficial picture, right? So when I tell myself, hey, news flash, that picture is not the complete reality. That picture probably looks more like me than anything else right now. So why am I thinking as if I'm less than that picture? That tampers it right away at the beginning, and then what I usually do is what I explained to y'all on the last episode is then I bring proof. I bring proof of the stuff that I did do that I could have done with the resources of money and time that I had while making those decisions, and then I do something else, which is then after that, and it's almost like a trampoline. Let me explain this. I know I'm diverting a little bit here, but it's almost like a trampoline. Like, first I have to like slap that, you know, that's not true. And that kind of like takes the sting off of it and takes the momentum out of that downward spiral, and then I come with a little bit of reality and be like, well, hmm, I did what I could, you know. Let me show you what that was. And then I bring the TKO, hmm, and let me tell you the results of those things that I did do with the resources that I had at the time of making that decision. You see, and that is kind of like boom, that is like the the positive thing of it, the the result positive thing of it is like what brings it down. What like ah TKO, like you know, have y'all played Mortal Kombat? It's kind of like that, ah, I'm gonna put this down for real now. That's the true punch right there that does it, at least for me. Okay, because I'm telling you, when I start spiraling into comparison, it's the worst. The worst. So let me give you an example of how that looked for me in in real life. And it was, I saw this creator, she's doing awesome. I'm so happy for her on her book launch. I think we have book launches around the same time frame, not the same kind of books, you know, but on the same time frame. And she's doing great and she's getting all these likes and all this stuff on social media, right? And I'm so happy for her. And that's the thing with comparison, it's like if you really go down that rabbit hole, it can put you in a place where you can't even be happy, you know, and and share in others' joys, which is really sucky, if you ask me. But she's doing great, she has this street team, and the street team is doing their thing. And right away I clocked in, I was like, uh, I should have done a street team. And then that went into I should have been more social, I should have reached out to more people, I should have been more present on social media, you know, so forth. So and you see how that that spirals, because then all those thoughts lead into another thought that is more negative than the previous one, you see? And then when I caught that and I knew where this would lead from previous experiences, I was like, hold up. First of all, you know, I don't know everything that is going on in this creator's life. She is showing this, but what she's not showing is that she could be potentially struggling on other things, just like me. And then when I bring that reality in, then I'm like, yeah, because I was in no position to do street teams. And I remember sorting that out as I was doing the marketing plan for the ordinary Blue Ha and making a decision that I was not gonna do street teams because it was very convoluted. I didn't have at that time the correct point of contacts, and I didn't want to take a gander on the little of marketing money that I have to use it on something that it was not concrete enough for me, you know, and no, I didn't have the contacts or people that I have known for a while that I could ask for them to help me out. And then I also feel bad asking people to work for free as well. So I was like, you know, that was out of the question as well, you know. If my friends on social media want to post it, which a lot of them have, that's great. But I don't want to ask people to do free labor for me because I just feel like that's unfair. So I brought all of that into perspective as to why I had made the decision that I made. And instead of doing a street team, because I remember specifically looking into it, I did an ARC, an advanced reader copy for like 60 days. And this is a big improvement, by the way, from uh Mrs. Franchie's Evil Ring. And we're gonna get to that because that's step three, that's the TKO for me. And so that's what I reminded myself that hey, with the resources that I had, which are limited when it comes to time and when it comes to money for marketing, because I put most of my money on book cover and editing, that's where most of my money for book production goes. So marketing has very little. And when I mean very little, I mean very little, doing most of it myself. And I had to put that into perspective and understand that the way that I circumvented that or I mitigated not having a street team was through ARCs and through scheduling social media posts. And I did do a little bit of book marketing research from other people that know what they're doing and have had success doing it, and I had a few things not that went viral, but that got a good reach on TikTok, and people started talking about my book and getting my arc and all of that. So that's step two, right? I brought proof of what I could do with the limited resources that I had. You know, step one was like acknowledging that what I'm seeing is not completely factual, it's not the full picture. Then here comes step three, which is the positivity TKO, because now I'm looking at what I actually did and the results that I have gained from that. And when I did that, I found that the ordinary Bruha has outperformed Mrs. Franchise Evil Ring on its pre-launch by far. By miles and miles and miles. I mean, the Mrs. Franchise Evil Ring didn't have an arc until after it came out and it got very little reviews. I want to say maybe five. Now, after being out for like three years, it has 15 reviews in. But the ordinary Bruja has over a hundred people that have downloaded the arc. You know, that's huge, huge people on that galley. Already has how many 11 reviews already? 11 reviews, and it's not even out yet. It has two more weeks before it's out, and it's continuously getting traction for people that want to read it, for people that have downloaded, and so forth. So it's on a trajectory to already have double the amount of reviews that it would have once it launches, but it would, I will say, grow even further once it's launched, and it will bypass Mrs. Franchise Evil Ring when it comes to reviews. And just looking at that, I'm like, wow, I did something great here. And then that kept me from comparing this creator's journey to my journey. And it was like not instant, but it worked to the point where like I'm now seeing their posts and I'm like, great, I can cheer them on. And this is the best part about this because when I get my comparison trap feelings in check, now I can be fully present for myself and for others. Because while I was there in that comparison trap in that whole cisterna, you know, if you're from the Dominican Republic and you had water in the cisterna, you know what I'm talking about. That thing is deep and dark, and you don't know what's in there. So I'm no longer in La Cisterna, you know, all in the dark and just feeling crappy for myself. I have lifted myself out of that and found that I'm not doing so bad myself. And I shouldn't be comparing myself to that person. Instead, I should be focusing on my own journey and my own upward mobility into progress, into the progress that I'm doing right now. And instead, I am choosing to compare myself to my past performance when it comes to book publishing, not other people's book publishing performances, you know, and that was the the TKO that really helped me to tamper that to the point where like I'm now able to look at at social media and be joyful with other people who are celebrating their journeys and also celebrate my own at the same time. So you see how insidious this comparison trap can be, where it just makes you bitter, a little, I wouldn't say vengeful, but jealous for sure, you know? And and I hope people won't look at jealousy as like this thing that they should never talk about. I wish we would talk about it more because it's so natural, yet it's so prevalent, and yet it's so insidious at the same time. But if we hide ourselves from that feeling, if we don't mention it and acknowledge it, then it'll just continue to rot us from within. But that's what I was feeling. I was feeling jealousy, and that jealousy is like the worst, the worst, because it leads to comparison, and comparison really robs us of all that joy. But here's what I've learned because I always an advocate for figuring out what is good, what is something that I can learn from this situation, hence why I have this podcast, Lessons Learned, and I'm sharing that with you all. And this is what I've learned, and that is that comparison doesn't have to be the enemy. It can actually be a mirror for reflection if you use it right. When I feel the sting of jealousy or that wave of I should be there, I try to ask myself, what is this showing me about what I want? Because sometimes that feeling isn't about failure, but is about showing you which direction you want to take, where you want to be at. So maybe I'm not so much jealous of someone's success. Maybe I'm inspired by the kind of connection they're building. Maybe it's not that I want their outcome. I just want to understand the system that helped them get there so I can have a similar outcome. And when I shift from judgment to curiosity, self-doubt starts to shrink and start to go away. The other big lesson that I got from here is to give myself grace. See, in step two, I acknowledge that no, I didn't get a street team, but I had a good reason why. I had thought about it, I had tried to get solid information, points of context, and so forth, but I fell short, I didn't do that, and time was running short. I was getting closer to when the book launch marketing needed to start kicking in stronger. And then I chose to put that to the back burner for potentially another book, and then instead choose on having ARCs early on so that way I can get more reviews, knowing that reviews also do a similar thing as as street teams, which is word of mouth, right? So then I chose uh the second option, which was ARCs. And by putting it that way, I chose not to shame myself because I haven't done something that someone else had done and had a reach, supposedly, and I say supposedly because that's what they're showing success in their book launch. And I chose not to shame myself, but instead to acknowledge that yes, I didn't do that, but I did something else, and still put it on my notes as a potential avenue of approach when it comes to book marketing for the next book. If I do get those points of context now that I have a little bit more time, now that this one is gonna be launched and I'm just in the drafting phase of the second one. I have a little bit more time now to sort that out for the second book. But I will still do an analysis, especially now that I have done the arcs for the ordinary brewha, to see if it's it's effective for me to do a street team as opposed to an ARC, or if I should do both. But for both, I will need to have the money because both cost money. I don't want people to work for me for free either. And that's the thing, right? When I chose to give myself grace as opposed to shaming me, that right there also shrunk self-doubt. Because guess what? Self-doubt thrives on shame. It thrives on it, it loves it when you turn on yourself and you start self-attacking or self-sabotaging. It loves it. But the second you say, okay, that didn't go the way I want it, what can I do differently next time? You take that power back because you're no longer shaming yourself or self-attacking. You are taking that power back and you're finding new ways to do things a little bit better and gain a little progress later on. So I've learned to replace the I failed with I learned. And that shift alone has made me a better creative, a better leader, a better human being. That's the theme you'll see in the ordinary Bruja too. Marisol spends so much of her journey comparing herself to Las Res Mojonas, the girls who seem to have it all together. And in doing that, she forgets that her magic was never meant to look like theirs. That's what I remind myself when I catch that voice whispering, you're not doing enough, or you should be doing this, or you should be doing that. I remind myself that my magic doesn't have to look like anyone else's, and neither does yours. So here's the lesson this round of self-doubt taught me. You can admire someone else's path without abandoning your own. You can take inspiration without taking comparison personally. And when you catch yourself spiraling, pull yourself back with truth. Remind yourself of what's real. You're not behind, you're in process to progress. So if you're listening to this and you've been measuring your worth against someone else's timeline, take a deep breath. Because you're exactly where you need to be. And while we're talking about real, I'm gonna remind you, okay? Don't hate me for this, but I'm gonna remind you: the ordinary bruja is available for pre-order right now. Advanced readers have called it a powerful and important book. And on this same mic that I'm talking to you, I am recording the audiobook. And when you pre-order, you have a week and some change to pre-order, you'll get some exclusive goodies. A sign deleted scene featuring Kia, Marisol, character cards, and bookmarks, a manifestation card. And if I get these stickers to show up on time, some stickers too. So pre-order your copy today at have a cup of joanni.com. You can also reach out to me, don't feel shy. Email me at Joa at have a cup of johnny.com. I'm also on TikTok there with two profiles at the bookbruja, which is all about the books I write, and at a cup of joinny, which is all about the books I'm reading, my podcast, and a little bit of personal life, and Instagram, my chaotic bookstagram account at have a cup of joinni. Until next time, remember comparison is a mirror, not a map. It's showing you where you may want to be, the direction that you may want to go at. Until next time, remember when comparison hits you, look at it, learn from it, but don't live in it. See you next time. Bye. Oh we could weaken fly. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back too. And if you haven't yet, visit have a cup of joani. For more stories, blog posts and the gets that started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be soft, be bold, and always have a couple jobs.