If I’m Not Good, Let Me Get Good: Choosing the MFA

After a painful experience at a writer’s conference, I stopped writing for a whole year. Doubt crept in, and I convinced myself maybe I just wasn’t cut out to write fiction. But the thing about silencing something you love? It never really leaves you. It nags. It whispers. It refuses to let you go.

In this episode of Have a Cup of Johanny, I share how that season of doubt led me to ask new questions: What about me? What if I’m not good? How can I get better? With the Army Sergeants Major Academy on the horizon and COVID shutting down in-person programs, I chose to nourish myself in a way I never had before—by enrolling in a Creative Writing MFA at National University.

It was the single best decision I made in higher education, and it gave me the foundation I needed to finally bring my stories to life.

✨ Be one of the first to read my debut novel The Ordinary Bruja! Advanced Reader Copies are available now:

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📧 Email me: joa@haveacupofjohanny.com

 📱 TikTok: @acupofjo_hanny | @thebookbruja

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Have a Cup of Joannie
• 1:13 The Writer's Conference That Broke Me
• 4:02 What About Me? Finding My Learning Style
• 12:09 Three Things Collided: The Turning Point
• 16:10 Failure As a Comma, Not a Period
• 21:59 The Ordinary Bruja: My Adult Debut Novel

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh we could, we could fly. Welcome back to have a Cup of Johnny. This season isn't about hustling harder. It's about coming home to yourself, to your voice, to your breath, to the quiet truth that you're still here and you're not starting over. You're starting again. This is your space to reflect, reset and remember who we tell you. So pour your cafecito and let's begin. Hello everyone, and welcome back to have a Cup of Joannie podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:43

This September I've been walking you through the lessons I've learned in higher education the messy, the practical, the surprising and the deeply personal. Last time, I told you about the moment in my life when I asked what about me? And chose joy over practicality by stepping into creative writing. But the story doesn't end there, because right after I made that choice, something happened that knocked me flat. I went to a writer's conference. Now, writer's conferences can be wonderful, they can be encouraging and inspiring, but the one I went to, it broke me down. I left that conference doubting myself, my voice, my talent, and for a whole year I believed those doubts and I didn't write. But then something changed. Are y'all ready to talk about that? Because that's what this final September episode is going to talk about, that second spark that lighted me up and actually put me on the path into a master's of fine arts in creative writing. Y'all ready, let's get it.

Speaker 1: 2:16

So, as you heard me saying, for a whole year I didn't write not one short story, not one chapter, not one sentence. I took that feedback and I internalized it to mean that this is not for me. But here's the thing when you silence something you love, it doesn't stay silent, it gnaws at you, it whispers to you, it doesn't let you rest. And that's exactly what happened to me. During that time. I kept asking myself well, what am I going to do for me now? Remember that was the question two episodes ago, or last episode, I should say. That sparked the change in trajectory from seeking external goals to get a bigger paycheck so that way I can survive being a single mom with my son, and I accomplished those things.

Speaker 1: 3:31

But now that I was at a point where I didn't need to choose those practical goals, I asked myself what about me? What have I done to fill my love bucket? And that question put me onto the idea that I should be looking into creative writing, because it is one of my first loves reading and then creative writing. So that question just didn't stop circulating inside my head, even though I try to silence it. I try to go a different route, because from that writer's conference I learned well, this is not for me. But that question just wouldn't stay quiet. Because the truth was, every other degree I had earned it was for something else, for promotions, for practicality, for survival. But my heart still wanted something for it, still needed something for it, and it was looking towards that next degree to fill its love bucket. And every time I thought about it I kept circling back to writing.

Speaker 1: 4:57

And after that staying of that conference, another thought took root and that was well, if I'm not good enough, then let me get good at it. You know, it's like and that's the thing with me like, yes, I do go down, but I don't stay down for long. It's like joy is going to find something positive, something to turn it around. Joy is going to find something positive, something to turn it around. And then I don't know. I want to thank my grandmother, because I'm pretty sure it came from her, that kind of resiliency that always chooses to see another avenue of approach and don't stay down for too long. Yes, I stopped writing for a year. But I didn't stay like that. I continued to challenge myself internally on that decision that I made, but also on figuring out how else I can move forward from that bachelor's degree while also honoring my love, that which I love to do, and that's why I was like, well, I love to write. This writer's conference told me that I was not good at it. How can I get good at it then, so that way I can continue to do that which I love to do's.

Speaker 1: 6:17

Such a thing as grit. I had read that book before, very long, long time ago. I believe I was in a deployment and it was one of those free books that you saw on the passenger terminal, on the military passenger terminals, from donations, and I picked it up. I was like grit, I love it. That about the underdog and resiliency and like being so self-determined that you go against all the odds and accomplish something. That has always pulled something in me and has attracted me to those stories, fiction or nonfiction, those reading materials that talk about them. So when I saw that title with just that one word, grit I believe it was like Burgundy or red on the cover I was like, yes, I picked it up and it was a very short, quick read and I read it.

Speaker 1: 7:20

So when I got to this point in my life where I'm like, what about me? And knowing that from the writers conference that maybe I'm not so good at this, you know then I thought about that book and I thought about, well, if I'm not good at it now, but this is something I want to do, I can get good at it, I can practice, I can gain mastery by dedicating myself to this. So then that thought took root in my head and then I was like well, let me find the place that will challenge me, grow me and help me master the craft. And I also knew this about myself the craft. And I also knew this about myself that I am a traditional learner and I want everyone listening to deep dive, perhaps pause me, or pause me right after I tell you this, so that way you can think about this for a little bit.

Speaker 1: 8:20

How do you learn best? Is it tactile? Is it by putting hands on things and practicing it with your hand, doing something and then learning from those actions? Is it by listening to someone give you instructions and then you put it into practice? Is it by reading the instructions and then putting it into practice. And a good way to gauge this is to look back at school, because at school it's mostly very traditional. Unless you go to those non-traditional schools, most schools are traditional in that you have a teacher, you must read, you must digest the reading and then you action what you read, or you must listen to the teacher or instructor, you must take notes and then, once again, you must read those notes in order to pass a test or project or whatnot. Or perhaps when you go to labs, if you're one of those persons or people that are good at labs but not so much the lecture, that may give you an idea that you're more of a tactile learner.

Speaker 1: 9:39

For me, I knew that I excel in traditional instructions because I love to read and I digest better through reading, and somebody pointed this out to me. I think he meant it as an insult, but I took it as a compliment. That's the thing with me. I'm like are you trying to insult me? He was like I bet you're one of those people that read every single line in an instruction manual. And I was like I bet you're one of those people that read every single line in an instruction manual. And I was like yes, yes, I am, I love to read even instruction manuals, thank you. And not just that comment, but from looking back at how I did in school and what was comfortable for me and what I excel at, I knew that I was a traditional learner. So now you can pause it right here and then go and take a peek at your history or ask those questions, or at least write them down, so that way you can answer those later on.

Speaker 1: 10:45

How do you learn best? And that'll be a great thing to know about yourself. And, no shame, everyone learns differently, but we all learn. You just got to figure out how you do that best. All right, but back to the story. I knew that I learned by listening to instructors, taking notes, doing the readings, working through assignments. I love working on my own more than I do working in a team, and I had proven it to myself with my associate's degree, my bachelor's degree and my online classes that I'm able to do that, that I had the discipline, the attention span and I had the hunger to learn.

Speaker 1: 11:35

So three things you may have heard already here, but these three things collided all at once. Thing number one my confidence had been knocked down at the conference. Thing two the question if I'm not good, how can I get better? Was ringing in my ears. And then here's the third thing that I haven't told you. I got word around this time that I'd be attending the Army SAR Major Academy in El Paso. And that thing three just completely lit a fire under me. Let me explain why. Because I knew stepping into that academy for a year meant that I will be asked and I'll be giving voluntarily even more of myself to the army, to my career, to the service, which meant that if I didn't intentionally nourish my creative self now, I might lose that chance completely. Now I might lose that chance completely. So, yes, my confidence had been kicked in the gut in the writers conference.

Speaker 1: 12:55

But this third thing when it happened I was like, bro, you got to do something for yourself, if not it's not going to happen, you're going to have to wait until you retire. And I didn't want to do that. I had that fear that I didn't want to start from ground zero in a writing career, because I knew from watching my husband and other soldiers transition that the transition is hard, physically and mentally. So to start a business, to start writing business, a writing career from ground zero would have been that much more harder as I'm grappling with the changes going on in my life during the transition of retiring from the service. So I knew I didn't want to end up like that. So that really motivated me to get this done.

Speaker 1: 14:05

So I made a decision I was going to apply to an MFA program, not just as a dreamer, not just as a hobbyist, but as a student serious about the craft of writing. I've researched, I researched a lot. I think I Google fully online MFA creative writing programs or creative writing for fiction. I think I found a few creative writing for poetry tracks and I knew it had to be online because COVID was in full swing at that time, the restrictions staying at home and all of that in-person programs were really in flux at that time. I needed something flexible, something I could carry with me wherever the army sent me, so it had to be online. It had to give me that flexibility. So that's when I found a national university in San Diego and, funny enough, I ended up being part of the very last or the second to last cohort, but I'm pretty sure it was the last cohort before they closed their creative writing MFA program.

Speaker 1: 15:19

So talk about timing. Talk about timing. Like I get chills just saying that. Like I get chills just saying that. So all these things happened for me to realize this is something that A I needed to do, and then finding the place that will best fit my life situation at the time. And I found it. And I happened to be the last class before they closed the program. And here's what I learned that failure and doubt don't have to be the end. And I'm getting teary-eyed just saying that Failure and doubt don't have to be the end. They can be your spark, that thing that lights you up, that makes you see the situation through a different lens, that helps you to perceive it differently.

Speaker 1: 16:24

That conference, that conference knocked me down, hardcore tko'd. But it also pushed me to ask what if I actually committed to learning this the right way? And some of it, part of that decision, was a bit pettiness in there, a little bit about me, and I think I've said this before. If you tell me, go right, I'm going to go left out of spite, that's one. If you tell me, like I suck at something and you do it in a humiliating fashion, I'm going to really good at it and I'm gonna show you that I am the best there is and I'm gonna have you eat your words and I don't know what kind of trauma what I went through, but that's how I am Now.

Speaker 1: 17:22

I don't do things just to do it out of spite. I do it because I want to, and out of spite is just that little seasoning I throw in there to make everything, like ooh, taste that much more better. That's a phrase to say and that's just me. Okay, but I had to be like drop kicked in the gut to get that spark. So don't look at at failure and doubt. And that's the whole thing about my podcast. It is to show that, yes, we mess up, yes, we fall down, but how do we get back up? How do we pivot, get better and get back up? How do we get into that metaphorical learning cave so that way we can dissect these so-called failures and get better from them and use them as stepping stones to reach our goals. So that's what I learned that yeah, you dropkick me, yeah, you won this round, but you didn't win the next round. You're not winning this fight.

Speaker 1: 18:28

And that decision to enroll in the MFA, to invest in myself as a writer, changed everything. It gave me, not just confidence, but community, craft and the structure I needed to finally step into who I was always meant to be. Because you heard me saying in the first episode other people, that professor saw talent in me, but if you read grit, you will know that that's not enough. You need tenacity, you need grit, you need that. Can-do fudge it. I'm going to go after this, no matter what kind of attitude. So I had talent, but I didn't have the education to back up that talent and I realized at this point that that's what I was missing.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Some people have that innate storytelling skill Very few people To where they can write a story from beginning to end, probably with no outline, because the story beats is just in their heads, they know them all, they know how to write them in different stories with different characters, and they get after it and it's very fluent and fluid for them. I have a talent of writing. I know how to creatively write emotions and make people feel things through words. But I don't innately know, or at least not at that point, how the beats in a story are supposed to go in a manuscript, in a book, in a novel, and I had to learn that, or else I would have just been writing pretty words but not a cohesive story. And at the end of the day, a novel is a cohesive story that has a beginning, a middle and an end.

Speaker 1: 20:34

And yes, the writing conference hit me in the gut they critique something they shouldn't have critiqued. And, yes, the writing conference hit me in the gut. They critique something they shouldn't have critiqued. But through that I figured out that I needed to work on something. It wasn't what the writing conference talked about, which was Spanglish. They were wrong about that. If you read my books, they all have Spanglish in them. You're welcome.

Speaker 1: 21:00

But what I found out is that I did need it to learn. I did need it to learn how storytelling in a textual format, in a manuscript, in a novel, in a book, works. And I had to be dropkick in the gut to figure that out. And that's okay, I'm here now hear that out. And that's okay, I'm here now. And that was the final step that will put me where I'm at right now, where I was always meant to be.

Speaker 1: 21:29

So if you've ever been told you're not good enough, or felt it yourself because that happens, I want you to hear this. That doubt doesn't have to be your period. It can be your comma, it can be the thing that pushes you to go deeper, to grow, to get good. And speaking of growth, my MFA gave me the foundation to write the Ordinary Bruja. That is my adult debut novel. That's finally about to meet readers on November 1st. Advanced reader copies are available right now on NetGalley, booksprout and BookFunnel.

Speaker 1: 22:10

I just got my first review from NetGalley. Ah, four out of five stars, and I'm excited. That is so validating y'all. Ah, four out of five stars, and I'm excited. That is so validating y'all. But I would love for you to also be one of the first to step into this story with me, either as an ARC reader, or as a reader getting the pre-order, or getting the book when it comes out on November 1st, or sharing this with someone who you know would love this book. And, as always, I'd love to hear from you.

Speaker 1: 22:44

Email me at joa at haveacupofjoanicom. You can come and hang out with me on TikTok I'm there at a cup of Joani or at the book Bruja, and you can connect with me on Instagram as well. I'm at haveacupofjoani in there. Until next time, remember, the thing that breaks you down might just be the very thing that builds you back up. All right, folks, y'all have a good one. Bye. If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back too, and if you haven't yet, visit haveacupofjoanniecom for more stories, blog posts and the bits that started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be soft, be bold and always have a cup of John.