Finding Your Way Home: The Messy Journey Back to Self

Have you been pouring from an empty cup? This raw, unfiltered conversation dives deep into what it truly means to find your way back to yourself—and it's not the Instagram-worthy journey you might expect.

Forget the sage-burning rituals and silk robes. Real self-reclamation happens on bathroom floors at midnight when no one's watching. It's about finally hearing that whisper inside that's been trying to tell you "this isn't working" and "you're not being dramatic." That voice? It's your soul waving a red flag, hoping you'll finally see it.

Between marriage tensions, work deadlines, and emotional burnout, I've learned three critical lessons this month that changed everything. First, listen to your inner voice, even when it's inconvenient. Those recurring thoughts aren't random—they're signposts pointing to what needs attention. Second, speak up when something feels wrong, especially in your most important relationships. The temporary discomfort of honest conversation prevents the permanent damage of silent resentment. And finally, love yourself aggressively—through rest, nourishment, and boundaries that don't come with explanations.

What does returning to yourself actually look like? It's saying no without an essay of justification. It's making yourself breakfast before feeding everyone else. Sometimes it's letting the dishes sit while you journal instead. None of this is glamorous, but it's where the real magic happens—not in performing self-care, but in choosing yourself quietly, consistently, and without apology.

As we move into May and the world of The Ordinary Bruja (my pandemic-born story about finding magic in the mundane), remember this: Even when everything is falling apart, you can choose to stay with yourself. You are allowed to start over, take up space, and be your own safe place to land.

Subscribe now and join me next month as we explore how ordinary moments can become extraordinary magic when you finally believe you are enough.

Are you ready to embark on a captivating journey of resilience and revelation? Then head over to https://www.haveacupofjohanny.com/ and buy your copy.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Have a Cup of Johnny
• 1:37 How Messy It Looks to Get Back to Self
• 8:05 The Struggle of Maintaining Core Habits
• 17:38 Listening to Your Inner Voice
• 24:58 Say Something When Something Feels Wrong
• 33:48 Love Yourself Aggressively
• 36:41 What Returning to Self Actually Looks Like
• 38:25 Closing Affirmations and Magic Coming in May

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh we could, we could fly. Welcome back to have a Cup of Johnny. This season isn't about hustling harder. It's about coming home to yourself, to your voice, to your breath, to the quiet truth that you're still here and you're not starting over. You're starting again. This is your space to reflect, reset and remember who we tell you. So pour your cafecito and let's begin.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Hello everyone and welcome to the last episode of April for the have a Cup of Johnny podcast. I am Joa, your host, and once again I am here to lather some messy truths into the bread, along with our cafecito or whatever beverage we want to drink at this point. Really, it's that kind of month. So this entire podcast is about, you know, lessons learned, is about budget. This is me. I'm grown Take it or leave it. And for this episode on the last day of April, I am going to talk about how messy and uncute it looks. To get back to self. Are y'all ready? Some of y'all are going to be like, yes, girl, yes, I'm ready, but you really are not. So are you ready? All right then. Well, let's go. So the entire month of April, we talked about the whole struggle. I was literally on the struggle bus with the transitions, the chaos, the core habits that I built in, trying to get back into that rhythm.

Speaker 2: 2:31

Guess where I'm at right now I'm on a work trip. I am recording this from a hotel right now, trying to figure out how that writing and gym time is going to look for me. Reading is going to be easy because I'm going to do it in the commute to wherever it is that I'm going, but the other ones I'm going to have to finagle. And because it's going to be an early morning for me, I'm already like drafting this mission plan in my head that I may have to shift those two activities to the afternoon. And, yes, I prefer the mornings. I am a morning person by far. That is when I have the most energy. But I have to adjust. I have to adjust. This is going to be one of those times where I cannot do it in the morning, so I'll have to readjust, drink an extra cafecito or have tea here in the room. I can drink some tea to pep myself up and then go ahead and do the writing and do the gym. So usually in these instances what I do is I do the gym first and I do the writing after the gym. Why, you may ask? Because I have found out through scientific method, just trying, just really trying through scientific method, just trying, just really trying that I need to be in motion for, like my creative juices to start getting percolated, especially in the afternoon and in the evening, because, like I told you all before, I'm a morning person. So in the morning, that natural rev up energy that I have, it's already there. I don't need to do much to it except for, like, strap it down on the chair and get to writing or editing. Whatever book I'm currently working on and currently is Las Cerraduras series, which the first book is going to be the Ordinary Bruja. So that is what I'm currently editing and writing and going through the whole birthing of these books. So, because I already know that my energy levels at that time are going to be low, I already know the order of those two things that I require in order to maintain myself in that space. That keeps me whole, keeps me sane, keeps me happy. So that is just an example of what I'm doing right now and I have just accepted that this year for me and I don't know why I didn't listen to the card they did say I was going to travel whenever I was listening to the Tara Gurley's on TikTok, it was the same thing coming back up for my side. It's like I see a lot of traveling in your future. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, and I'm thinking it's kind of like the same kind of travel as I was doing in my other job. No, this is more chaotic.

Speaker 2: 5:52

Here I'm going back to writing, because that is why I write what I know and I write characters that experience a lot of things like me. And if you read my books and you're like why are this character so stubborn? Why can't she see that? Blah, blah, blah, it's right in front of her. Are you listening to me right now? Are you listening? And the tarot cards that I have? They call me for filth, they call me out, they drag me in my own house, in my own room. Every single time I'm like I heard you the first time and then I flip and I thought, well, there you go, biatch, once again we're trying to tell you this. I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want to hear.

Speaker 1: 6:42

No, I don't want to listen.

Speaker 2: 6:44

No, I'm going to pretend it's not happening. No, tower Boom there. I guess I think you did. You know, I didn't get a tower this time around. That was the other the previous year. That was very scary. It's very scary to get a tower, which just means destabilization of everything that you know, because you built it on shaky grounds and therefore is coming tumbling down, because that's what Murphy does. And when that happens, it happens and, from my experience, in the most atrocious way that one can experience. And that did happen. That did happen. But for this year was the traveling, and that is happening and it is very chaotic, kind of traveling.

Speaker 2: 7:40

So far they have been true, but getting back to self, since that's what we're here to chat, chiquitas, I mean, come on now, call me out, call me out, I'm blabbing too much. So this month has been specifically hard and y'all already heard me yapping about it and like being a complete baby about it, Right, but it's, it's not. It's not easy to return to self when everything else is pulling you to not do so. You know, and I almost didn't record this, like I'm going to be super real. I almost didn't record this. I'm going to be super real. I almost didn't record this, but I'm doing it. This is my commitment to future, joa, and this is my commitment to me to share these life's lessons with all the listeners in order to allow y'all to hear that you're not on your own if you're going through messy crap like this. That's one and two, in the hopes that perhaps you don't have to make these same messy mistakes. Perhaps you get to make your own more advanced. You know versions of these messy mistakes, but you don't have to repeat the same song and dance that I'm over here chuckling to, you know, and like really just suffering with. So I had to remind myself of that, and that goes with what I was discussing a lot in the previous episode, that a lot of getting back to self and getting back to those things that we know we must do for our own betterment or for our future version of us. It has a lot to do with us talking to that inner voice, just logically reasoning with it and saying, no, we're not doing what we used to do, we're doing this thing that we know for a fact works for us and we know for a fact leads us and puts us on the path where we need to be where we want to be.

Speaker 2: 12:04

But I almost didn't record this because life has been life-ing hard Marriage tension, with me not being there, the step-babies leaving, which just makes my husband really sad and depressed, and all of us feel it. Book deadlines, an emotional burnout from everything that's occurring while still trying to hold it together. It's not easy for one person to hold so many things than just try to keep everything together. But maybe that's exactly why I needed to record this. Maybe that's why this conversation matters, because I keep saying it like I make videos on TikTok. Well, I want to be TikTok famous with my books, not with my cat videos, but you know that's another thing. But mostly is to feel less alone while writing, because it's a long process and it's a very lonely process. It's just one person in front of the screen and it's a very lonely process. It's just one person in front of the screen. So when I put the video up and I talk about what I'm doing, it makes me feel as if I'm not by myself. And then the same thing here. I just said look, I'm going through these things Marriage tension, book deadlines, emotional burnout but I'm not doing it on my own, I'm sharing it with you all Once again, so that way we can connect, you can know that perhaps you're in the same boat or perhaps you may be headed into. You got yourself a ticket for that cruise line right now and it's best that you listen to this so that way you can prep yourself, prep your mind, your soul, your spirit for it.

Speaker 2: 14:06

But let me tell you something I'm learning the hard way that, returning to myself, like I said before, doesn't look cute, not at all. It doesn't look like me with a sage, a journal in my hand, that cute little silk, linen robe. Well, you know it doesn't look like that. Well, it can't be a silk and linen robe. Well, it could be right, silk, with, like, some parts that are linen, I don't know. I think that would look cute.

Speaker 2: 14:40

But you know it's not that. It's not what you may have seen in movies or in your fantasy, this superficial but highly curated version of somebody that is trying to put it all together. It's not that Sometimes it really is just crying on the bathroom floor at 11.43 PM because you know that people have fallen asleep. So that way you can do it alone. You know, sometimes it's it's quiet and nobody really sees it or feels it. It may be like feeling invisible, while everyone around you just keeps going and you're like looking at them and you're like, oh, everyone is okay except for me. Sometimes it looks like that, like that. Sometimes it's quite grief of realizing that it's not so much about other people ignoring you, but and I want to cry when I say this it's mostly about you ignoring your own voice for far too long, and this month, that voice started screaming.

Speaker 2: 16:10

I'm going to tell you the first thing that I learned in the glorious months of April 2025. And that is to listen to my inner voice, even when it's inconvenient. I just told you at the beginning, I tend to la, la, la, la la, or think it's not going to happen or it's not going to be that bad. But I have learned the hard way that I must listen to that whisper that says this isn't working, you're not okay and no, you're not being dramatic. That's your soul waving a red flag, hoping that you're seeing it. So that way, you can deal with those things.

Speaker 2: 17:07

Remember, I'm like a self-preservation queen, so I will go to a lot of depths and ways in order to not deal with certain things that my brain has already learned will be super atrocious and potentially will just destroy me emotionally. I don't have to hash it out, crack it open, deal with it. So it's almost like I got to work against that in order to, in real time or close to real time, deal with those things that are not necessarily atrocious. They may be inconvenient, they are inconvenient, actually, they're inconvenient truths but to deal with them, because what I've learned is that if I don't, I will not be able to truly is that if I don't, I will not be able to truly move on with my life and to truly to get after the things that I want, to get after those goals that I have for myself, because those roadblocks would become like these walls Eventually, the longer that I leave it there without working on it, without acknowledging it, without sorting it out.

Speaker 2: 18:27

So some of the things that I'm doing is, as soon as I get la puyita that's how I call it, and I call it la puyita because it's like what people used to do when I was growing up in the Dominican Republic. They did that and they will say these snarky comments or these like halfway compliments and things of that nature, and then just leave, you know, and leave you with that, you know, leave you with the feeling that would linger and you're like did this person, is this person really telling me this? Is this person criticizing my outfit, my hair, what I'm doing? You know, blah, blah, blah. And we'll just leave you like that. You know and I don't know if that's like a Latine thing or something, but that came with me to the US as well around my people Dominican, puerto Rican, caribbean you know that thing that they just they don't say things out, right, but they just leave you with it and I'm like, ah, so in my head that looks like a thought pattern that just keeps coming back, you know, in a self-critical way, and when I see that bad boy come around, like twice, three times, if I'm being stubborn I leave a voice note, because a lot of the time, a lot of the times, I get this in drives and thankfully and I'm going to say thankfully I have a slightly longer commute here, so it allows me to process things first thing in the morning as I head into work, and I do that just by simply like clicking the record button and then just going through those emotions, going through those emotions, and I have found that when I say it out loud and I get bonus points when I listen to it after recording it, because then I really get to digest it and be like, ah, okay, and I want you to try it, we all have it where you can leave voice notes in your phone or, if not, maybe just saying it out loud, right, but then you don't have the option to listen to yourself again, and I think that's very helpful, but maybe not at the beginning.

Speaker 2: 20:56

If you're like me and you haven't really dealt with things, been like a self-preservation queen, right, then maybe you just need to say it out loud until you get used to that inconvenient feeling and then you can start recording it and then listen to yourself. But that's where really the magic happens is when you start listening to those voice notes, because you will see a certain pattern and you will see what actually like triggered the fence that occurred in your mind, that lingered and that like threw you into this fight or flight kind of feeling, and that's why you can't let it go. So I'm back to using Clearful app as well in the mornings sometimes at night, but in the mornings so that way I can jot down those three things I'm grateful for, and I'm trying to squeeze that one in again, sneak it in there. I found that it's not one of my critical core habits, but I am finding out that during these times of chaos and life-lifing in a hard way, it helps to do that because it keeps me positive. Right Before that, I've been saying F this long commute. I hate it with a passion, you know, but I'm trying to find Right and I'm doing it. I'm finding the good things and hard stuff that are me to deal with things in real life as they happen and to see the the goodness and, in quote-unquote, bad situations right.

Speaker 2: 22:55

Okay, moving on, the second lesson that I learned is to say something. When something doesn't feel right, just say it, especially in relationships Like I. Went back and forth on this because I have to wait for the right time to say it, because my husband is one that he doesn't like to deal with tough emotions in real time. He needs his own. He's a tourist. He needs his own quiet, comfortable space where he can deal with it before he fully admits that they're there and his role in it and all of that. He doesn't want to deal with it right then and there. So I have to remember it. But me as someone who just wants to rip the bandaid. That conflicts quite a lot, so I have to remember to annotate it.

Speaker 2: 24:01

It didn't work out last time. I didn't take a pause, I didn't annotate it and then come back. I had been like frothing at the mouth for a while on this and I just said it. You know, and I'm the type of person that when I say something and I get it off my chest, I feel much better almost immediately. But this time it backfired, because now I got him riled up and now I got him riled up to the point where he is just like not acting like himself, but still that reaction took me for a pause and I had to think about that reaction. I had to write down what I was feeling, record it and give him some space while I'm sorting it out, but then still talk to him, text him and tell him look, this is what happened and this is how I felt when that happened, so that way I can put it on me, my feelings, my reaction to something that occurred while both of us were in the room. You see what I'm saying. So that was very important because while in the moment when it happened, I had gotten the things that I wanted to say off my chest. I understood the next day that I created more chaos than anything else. Rectify that right by bringing it back to what that conversation should have meant, which was my acknowledgement of my feelings about his actions. You see what I'm saying.

Speaker 2: 25:57

So, for example, I've been feeling like very just not settled and for me it has to do something with like just uprooting myself at the age of 10. Sure, that has a lot to do, you know, immigrating to the United States as a kid and then just kind of like starting new and then joining the army and then going through that time and time and time again while not really healing from that which happened when I was younger. And I'm pretty sure that is the basis of why I get really frustrated and really angry when I feel unsettled and why I'm like the person I don't like to live with boxes. I am the person that within a week I just want to have all the boxes opened, put away. You know I want the home to feel like a home, put away. You know I want the home to feel like a home.

Speaker 2: 27:04

I don't want to feel as if I am living out of boxes in a hotel, as if I have no home, but because, like what I explained, how I've been moving back to back to back to back and stuff like that, it's just I haven't been in my home that long to be able to unpack the way that I usually would, or at least to help my husband unpack and have everything out and everything and having that. I haven't had that. I'm home, but technically I've been home already for three months, but it has not felt like that at all. And that's what I was trying to explain to him that while I've been gone and he's been sort of steady, I'm not saying that his days are not busy, but what I'm saying is that I had seen no movement in any of my boxes being unpacked, but everything else had, and that, as somebody who doesn't take rejection, well, felt like a rejection. And on top of that it also felt like I was not worthy enough, you know, for him to help me with my boxes. I felt really like not taken care of and and that was a big hit to me.

Speaker 2: 28:36

And it just all came through yesterday when I was trying to pack for this trip and I was like what is going on here? You know, I'm like in my head. You know, la pujita is something else, because in my head I'm having all these thoughts. I'm like, does he not love me? This is not the man I married, you know. All these different things were going through my head. I'm like what is going on, you know? And then this other thing, this other voice, my actual voice, was trying to rationalize girl, you know, the kids are leaving in like less than a month. You know he's going through that. He's trying to, you know, maintain and things of that nature, and he also has like things that he has to do and things of that nature, and he also has like things that he has to do and things of the nature. But the other was just like, no, what about this, you know? And then all of that, and it just it just came out at the worst of time.

Speaker 2: 29:31

And I'm not saying like my feelings are not valid and how I felt are not valid. That's not what I'm saying. It is, it is very valid. That's why, like, I send them that text while I was on the plane explaining to him look, you did this and I felt this way, I felt uncared for, you know, and all I needed was a response from him when I approached him with that problem was that I got you. You know I'm going to work on it, that's it. I didn't need it. You know him to go lifting like the 10 boxes you know that was still in the garage and slam him and do all this. You know craziness to show very dramatic way that he did what I asked him to do. I didn't need any of that, I really just needed listen and acknowledgement. You know, and that's what I explained and he acknowledged that.

Speaker 2: 30:27

You know, and I'm going to follow up with a longer conversation on it because I care, because this is like my life relationship. You know, this is like the relationship that will be with me for the rest of my life, because I love him, because this is a relationship that is gonna be with me through old age. So I have to figure it out. I need us to figure it out together, to work on this together, because I did thought. You know I'm just going to ignore it, I'm just not going to talk about it. You know I'm just going to stay silent, mad, like I used to in my 30s, you know, when something rubbed me the wrong way and then just completely cut off the person, but I was like no, this is my person, I can't do that. You know, I cannot be silent, mad. I gotta approach him, I gotta talk this with him, and it's going to be messy, but we got to do it so we can sort ourselves out. Going forward, you know, and come to a resolution which leads me to lesson three love myself more like aggressively so, because here's the truth.

Speaker 2: 31:51

At the end of the day, right Fights and and what felt like rejection from my person, you know, and then the silence to just kind of like hold myself together, the only thing that was left in the aftermath was just me and my thoughts, you know. So it's like if you're not nourishing yourself, if you're not loving yourself, and you're going to have these things in your relationships that occur, you are going to have them. No relationship is perfect or foolproof. You are going to have them. You've got to be able to be alone with yourself and still feel that love and that nurturing in there. And that only happens when you like, unconditionally and aggressively love yourself. Because if you're empty and you don't have that, and then you find yourself regrouping alone, as you should be regrouping, regrouping alone as you should be regrouping right, it's going to be hollow, it's going to be not peaceful, not nurturing, it's not going to feed you because you're empty and you have nothing right To give to others. For me, I wouldn't have anything to give to my books to come over here and give to you all, to us, to our kids. I would have nothing to fulfill my purpose in life.

Speaker 2: 33:29

So what am I doing? Because you may be like well, how do you love yourself? Well, by resting, absolutely and utterly resting. I took a nap. I've been up since like 2.46 in the morning. I took a nap. I was like no, I'm not eating dinner with the group today, sorry, I'm going to stay in bed and take a nap. And I took a nap and now I'm eating a salad you know something healthy to nourish me and drinking water. You see I talk to myself in the mirror like, yeah, you're messy, joelle, but I love you and I'm keeping boundaries as well. You heard me like no, thank you, I'm not doing that. I'm doing this. Boundaries around my creativity as well. If something is not nourishing me, I'm not saying yes to it just because I should or just because I could squeeze it into my schedule. You know I'm going to say no because I know it doesn't serve a purpose with me.

Speaker 2: 34:44

So what does returning to yourself actually look like in real life? Because that's what this entire episode is about returning back to self. So what does that look like? I mean, it looks like saying no without an essay, because no is a whole sentence. I've said it before in my boundaries episode no is a whole sentence. It looks like making yourself breakfast and not just feeding everyone else and leaving yourself with one crummy egg. It looks like rereading the texts your best friend sent you. It looks like rereading the comment that your beta reader sent you about how good the read is. It looks like rereading the comment from your work bestie saying how much she believes in you and she had believed in you all along and she's so proud of you. It's just that it also looks like maybe letting the dishes sit so you can go journal instead.

Speaker 2: 35:54

None of this is glamorous, none of it. But it's powerful. And here's the thing. That's where the magic lives. Not in the performance of the sage with the linen slash, silk robe, not in that no, not in being on, but in choosing yourself quietly, consistently and without apology.

Speaker 2: 36:23

Next month, we enter the world of the ordinary. Bruja, oh, the story I wrote during the pandemic, when I felt anything but magical. It's a story about a girl like me, but also like you, a girl who thought she was ordinary until she learned that the most sacred spell you could ever cast is in saying I am enough and I am not going anywhere. So if you're feeling lost or tired or like you've been pouring from a dry cup, I see you, I am you and I want to leave you with this.

Speaker 2: 37:07

Even when it feels like everything is falling apart, I choose to stay with myself. I choose rest, I choose honesty. I choose honesty. I choose the tiniest act of love, even if it's just drinking water or saying no, I am allowed to start over. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to be my own safe place to land. Listen to this affirmation, repeat this affirmation as many times as you need to Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your cup with me. Magic is coming in May, but only because you are All right. Brujitas y vasitos, I'll talk to y'all in May. Bye.

Speaker 1: 38:07

If today's episode spoke to you, share with somebody who's finding their way back too, and if you haven't yet, visit haveacupofjoanicom for more stories, blog posts and the bits that started it all. Thank you for being here. Until next time, be soft, be bold and always have a cup of joannie.