Healing Through Empathy: Letting Go of Past Hurts and Embracing Forgiveness

What if your unresolved past hurts are sabotaging your present relationships? Discover how releasing old pain can pave the way for healthier, more meaningful conversations in our latest episode of Have a Cup of Johanny Podcast. I open up about a deeply personal experience of being ghosted by my son's father when my child was just six months old. This ordeal brought emotional upheaval that influenced my reactions in future interactions. By sharing this, I highlight the critical importance of addressing and letting go of past traumas to prevent projecting pain onto others and to cultivate more constructive communication."

"In the second chapter, I delve into the transformative power of empathy and forgiveness. We each live in our own unique 'pods' or personal dreams, and this realization has fundamentally changed how I handle negativity and pain from others. I'll recount a pivotal moment when a simple question—'What would you gain from that?'—stopped me from reacting negatively and instead led to deeper self-reflection. Through the practice of journaling and self-awareness, I explore how understanding our pain and triggers can lead to more empathetic and constructive interactions. Join me on this journey of shameless learning, embracing curiosity, and transforming our approach to communication.

Enter a world of fear, resilience, and generational trauma in "The Devil That Haunts Me". Follow Isabella and Julitza as they confront their demons in a tale of suspense, mystery, and the supernatural.

Explore the first seven chapters here

Chapters

• 0:00 Letting Go of Past Hurts
• 15:58 Navigating Empathy and Forgiveness for Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh we could, we could fly. Welcome to this new season of have a Cup of Joani podcast. In this season, we are embarking on an exciting journey, one of shameless learning. We're tossing out the fear of judgment and embracing curiosity with open arms, whether it's exploring new ideas, tackling challenging topics or learning from our missteps, we're doing it all without shame or inhibition. Can't wait for y'all to listen to this. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of have a Cabo, johnny podcast. I am your host, joanne Ortega. Welcome back to another episode of have a Couple, Johnny podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:47

I am your host, joanne Ortega, and as we wrap up our August series on communication, I want to dive into something deeply personal, as if the other episodes aren't personal and transformative, as if the other episodes aren't. But whatever, okay, the importance of letting go of past hurts before engaging in conversations, and I don't know if there's a word for that. I really don't. I try, I try to Google, I try to get chat GPT to let me know. I don't know. But my last lesson that I want to impart on you all is just that is how we can strip ourselves down of those memories, those painful things that we went through, before we engage in conversations with other people. Are you ready? People, are you ready? Of course you are, because why else would you and I be here listening to one another? Exactly, let's go.

Speaker 1: 1:58

Have you ever found yourself bringing up old wounds in the heat of a conversation? Come on now, go through your past conversations. More specifically, go through your past relationships, because I know, I know, that you have had conversations where the whole point of that conversation is just to hurt the other person because that person had hurt you before. Or maybe you caught yourself using someone else's pain to mirror your own, and it's common. So it's like, don't be embarrassed, or anything you know? I mean like you can admit it. Yes, I've been there and it's okay, I've been guilty of that as well, but today we're not going to recount these, except for like a few examples here or there.

Speaker 1: 2:54

I really just want to talk about why it's so important to let go of that before we sit down with somebody else. Because, vasitos amigos, my friends, carrying around old pain, all that baggage, that sucks. It sucks hardcore, and it doesn't just only suck, it prevents us from truly listening to that other person and it can also lead us to inflict that same pain that we have on others. We all have baggage that we carry from experience to experience or, if we're talking about relationships, from relationships to relationship, and our past hurts those experiences, those memories. They feel so heavy, sometimes so heavy that I think just carrying them around is like an added trauma sometimes, because it makes us even more angry. It makes us angrier. You know, not only did we went through this hard thing, not only did we experience this hard thing, but now we got to carry it around with us everywhere we go. Whenever we meet somebody, we are triggered. Whenever we hear feel, we are triggered and it's like we're reminded that that trauma is right there, like a turtle inside our shells. And when we don't address it, when we don't admit that that's what is there, they have a way of creeping into our conversations, believe it or not. A lot of the time it creeps into our conversation without us realizing it, because they're unresolved feelings, people, they are unresolved emotions, unresolved trauma, and they make us reactive, they make us defensive, aggressive and they cause us to project our pain onto others. And talking about relationships and talking about relationships, I'm going to go way back in time. People like way back in time.

Speaker 1: 5:17

I don't think I've ever said this in the podcast but my son's father left me when my son was like six months old and it was like the biggest shocker of my life. It was a horrible moment because for me, being a mom, becoming a mom was one of the scariest things that I ever went through. The whole act of giving birth was really scary to me. But what was more scary than that was understanding that now I have this human being that 100% depended on me, 100% depended on me. That right there I knew the gravity of that and I felt it, but at least for those first six months I was like well, I have this other person that will help me. So when I realized that that other person would not be there and it was really bad because it happened through ghosting Maybe if you go back through one of my ghosting episodes then you will hear this story there. But it happened through ghosting. Basically, it just I never got a response back. I just kind of had to get my own closure after several months and understand that this person just didn't have the galls to let me know that they were done, that our relationship had concluded for them and that I should just move on.

Speaker 1: 6:43

So long and behold, later on the person comes back for a little bit to see his son and I want to say my child was like one at that time, one and some change, still a baby. And then he comes around and all of that and I'm in my 20s people, so I'm not the most mature person in the world. I'm also a very hurt person at that time. So hurt because I haven't dealt with any of my childhood trauma, any of my current trauma and the latest trauma of having my son's father ghost me with a six-month old kid. So I was very reactive, very reactive. Poor guy, poor guy. I'm pretty sure, like that conversation that we had validated for him, validated his decision for him, but fuck it. I mean, it felt good to do it at the time, but I'm showing you as an example of what not to do. Okay, I'm showing you this as an example of what not to do.

Speaker 1: 8:00

So he, he comes and see me and the thing with me is, if you meet me in real life, you know that I'm very direct, like I don't know, I don't know if I was like autistic and I just never got diagnosed or whatnot, but I have like a very hard time, um, pretending and saying something that is not. I just I can't do it. I can't do it. I don't have the facial expressions for it. I don't know how I'm supposed to say something that is untrue. I just don't know. My tone will not be right, my facial expressions will not be right. So I'm very direct with people and I know this. This is hard for people and that's why, like my friend circle is very small but he comes and I know he wants to see his child and I'm all about that.

Speaker 1: 8:52

But I'm also all about, like, talking about the truth, talking about what happened and confronting that, because I want closure. But the thing is right, when this happened I was deeply hurt, I was in pain. So all that anger, all that hate that I felt for this person, that I felt betrayed me and betrayed our son, that came out in that conversation. When I tell you like I told this person, like what he would die from and everything, and I was doing it as I was driving on H1 in Hawaii. It was a scary thing to be doing and he was scared. He lost the color in his face. That's how scared he was.

Speaker 1: 9:43

But that was not a productive conversation. You see it sounds funny and I'm laughing about it now, but back then that was not a productive conversation. Why? Because I hadn't worked through the pain that I had at the time, I hadn't worked through the trauma, through everything that I had going on and, more importantly, I hadn't gone through what him and I had gone through that whole ghosting. I hadn't gotten my closure at all and that reflected in that first conversation that I had and I'm hoping that my son don't ever remember that because he was in the car.

Speaker 1: 10:27

But I was very, I was very destructive verbally and I think like if I wouldn't be in a job where I could lose my livelihood if I get in trouble, I'm pretty sure I would have gone beyond that because that's how much pain I was feeling at that time. So basically, I engaged in a conversation with somebody that had hurt me quite a lot and I didn't work through that pain prior to. I thought I was mature enough to do it, I thought that I'll be stable enough to do it, but I was wrong. I wasn't very honest with myself at the time. I was still very immature, I was still very defensive, reactive, very aggressive at that time with all my pain because I hadn't acknowledged any of it. I hadn't worked through any of my pain, any at all. At the age of 22, 23, not at all. I was still in the hole, pretending that the pain and the hurt and the trauma was not there and that's how I was going through life. So then, when the manifestation in human form of this person that hurt me deeply walks through, gets in my car because he wants to see and spend time with our son, I went off and that was not a good conversation. So thankfully he understood that I was deeply hurt and I was in a lot of pain at the time and he didn't want to change it or anything like that, right. But let's just say like he was very empathetic and he stuck around so that way he can spend time with our son.

Speaker 1: 14:35

Pretty sure some of y'all listening have probably gone through something like that where you have to have a conversation with somebody that hurt you deeply and I cannot emphasize this enough, how much it takes to do that and how sometimes it's best if you can avoid having that conversation until you work through your things to do that. If not, if it's a time constraint or anything like that, by all means try to do the deep breathing, whatever you can, to center and ground yourself. Do that if you don't have the time, but if you do have the time and you can postpone it, I highly suggest you do that and you work on that pain and that hurt that you had before engaging that person, especially if you're like me and you're engaging with a person that hurt you. And a significant turning point for me and this happened many, many years after this interaction and you've heard me talk about this book is that I read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, the introduction of this book. The author says how people are living their own dreams. We are all living our own dreams and right away reading that, I had this vision in my mind of us being in pods, each within our own pods, each living our own reality.

Speaker 1: 15:58

And the pods sometimes touch, sometimes come together when we interact with somebody else, but we're still just living in our own pods, in our own dreams per se. That realization shifted my perspective entirely. It taught me that just because someone spoke poorly about me or, like my ex, did something hurtful, it didn't mean that I had to engage them with the same negativity. I didn't have to return that to them. I didn't have to match their energy.

Speaker 1: 16:34

And I remember going through something recently where I felt the need to match someone's energy and I was at a perfect point to do that. You know, when you have like these perfect moments and you're able to do so in everything, and it was like everything was aligned, like my previous petty self, my 20 year old petty self would have been like, yes, would have gone all the way in Perfect moment, everything was aligned. I could have just gone in. But instead I remember the small voice in my head. That is still not that strong because I think I'm still more petty than I am wise, but nevertheless I could still hear that voice. And that voice said what would you gain from that? And I was like, yeah, you're right, I will gain, probably like a cheap woohoo. I won, but at the expense of what? At the expense of that interaction, at the expense of that relationship between me and that other person.

Speaker 1: 17:42

And that hit me like cold water thrown at me. People. It was like it is so weird because it's just like this stupid little question what would this gain me? And it's like I think about it now, it's like I can't believe. A question just stopped me in my tracks, but it did.

Speaker 1: 18:03

A question stopped me in my tracks because from that question I was able to bring forth kind of like the things that I have learned thus far, the experiences and so forth. That kind of put me at a standstill for like a few seconds, so I wasn't able to react right away, but instead use those few seconds to think things through before I do it, and I think that's what maturity is in a nutshell. I'm still more petty than wise, but I think some of the wisdom is leaking in there little by little as I get older in age, as I get older in age. But I think that's what maturity means when one is able to take a pause and be okay with changing the course of something that we're doing in order to have better interactions and better relationships. And it's a move that profited the other person, not necessarily me but it was a move that I was more than happy to take because, in the overall scheme of things that I could see at that moment, I knew that that was the best choice to make and instead of reacting with a I got you, I won this conversation.

Speaker 1: 19:30

I began to see people who do those things in a more empathetic way. I began to see them as people that are in pain, that are hurt, and this is another shift. Right, that happened and this shift allowed me to approach conversations with empathy, instead of looking for those ends in conversations to retaliate or to prove my own pain or to get one in and have like a win, a check, to win over that person. And it's not always easy, it is not. It has taken me many years, two decades, to get to this point where I am able to take a pause and look at that person with empathy and understand that they are in pain, just like I am in pain.

Speaker 1: 20:30

We are living in our own pots, living our own dreams, in pain, through trauma, whatever, and sometimes we bump into one another and then the other may feel the pain of the other, into one another, and then the other may feel the pain of the other. But instead of retaliating, I acknowledge that and kind of like, let it go. And that's the trick right there, just letting that bit go. That kind of how do I say it? Enticing. Kind of like when, like for for me, I'm a big on sweets, so it's kind of like passing by a brownie and not touching it and not grabbing it. And that's where I'm at right now, so I can genuinely listen and respond to others from a place of understanding and kindness. Because I ask myself what would I gain if I do it the other way. So you may be saying like, okay, sounds easy, very metaphorical, I don't even like brownies. So how can we let go of past hurts before engaging in conversations? I know I gave you some examples and all of that, but it's a few steps here and there that you can do. For sure.

Speaker 1: 21:54

Practice self-reflection. That is the first one for a lot of things, because you got to take the time to understand where your pain resides and why it's there. And I'm going to keep harping on this, vasitos, y'all need to listen to this and follow through Journaling. Journaling is a great tool. I don't care how you do it. I don't care if you record yourself and that's your journal. I don't care if you video yourself and that's your journal. I don't care if you video yourself and that's your journal. I don't care if you write it on your notes app or an app with a password or whatnot, or you actually put it on a physical notebook Journal, journal.

Speaker 1: 22:37

That's the best way that you can examine that pain, examine where it resides in your body and why it's there. Examine where it resides in your body and why it's there. That's the best way, because now you really will be able to understand your triggers. And that's where the second step comes in, because now, when you understand your triggers, you're gonna know when they're touched, when they're pressed, and then you'll be able to pause, kind of like how I told you in my example, I did that pause and I asked myself that question. I was able to do that because I had already understood my trauma, my pain, where it resides and why it was there. So I know where the landmines are in my head. So when somebody presses on those, I know that they're pressing on it and I'm able to react better because it's not a shock any longer. So you see, so because of that, I'm able to put a quick pause on that and ask myself that pivotal question what would you gain from this? And with that question I'm able to take a pause, kind of like, do this quick think and breathing before I react. And through that question I'm seeking understanding, which is the third step.

Speaker 1: 24:06

Seek understanding Because I'm trying to understand, through that question where the other person is coming from. If I was in their shoes, would I be just as hurt as them? Putting myself in their shoes helped me to gain empathy. If you don't even know like I know you hear empathy quite a lot and you don't even know what it is or how you can feel it, try that, envision that that person is you. Get really creative with it. Envision that that person is you and you will see what empathy is. But that's what I do. When I try to understand where somebody is coming from, I put myself in their shoes. How would I feel if I was living this person's life and it like boom, it's like this click that happens. And it like boom, it's like this, this click that happens, and right away, because I'm able to feel sorry for myself, I'm able to feel something for myself and I want to advocate for myself. I transfer all of that to that other person when I put myself in their shoes Because, let's be honest, human beings, we are self-centered individuals.

Speaker 1: 25:26

I know people don't want to admit to that, but we're very self-centered Most of us are. So the only reason, the only way I should say that we can feel for other people, is to put ourselves in other people's shoes. I am telling you. So try that, try that, and that's a good way to seek understanding. So then you can jump into the fourth step, which is to use forgiveness as a tool, because now you know what it feels like to be that person right Now. You know because you just put yourself in their shoes.

Speaker 1: 26:06

Now go ahead and forgive, and, like me back 20 something years ago, right, if I would have practiced that, I wouldn't have looked at my ex as if he was the devil incarnate in front of me. I would have looked at him as what he was, potentially what he is right now, which is a very frightened man, unable to make decisions and not making them at all, thinking that that's the best way to go forward. I'm able to see that now. Back then I wasn't, but now that I'm able to look at it, now I'm able to forgive, because I know now that back then and probably today, if he hasn't worked through any of that, he still has those issues that he's unable to face problems head on and doesn't make any decisions in order for life to just happen, and that's a very sad place to be in, if you think about it right. So when I think about it that way, it's very easy for me to forgive Doesn't mean that I've forgotten and I forget what that person did, but the forgiveness is there and that helps me a lot to be able to talk about what happened.

Speaker 1: 27:38

If I have to have a conversation with that person again, have a conversation again, have to have a conversation with that person again, have a conversation again, a very neutral conversation, not one that is wrapped in hate and pain and hurt. So to wrap this episode up, which just got really deep all of a sudden, letting go of past hurts is not just about moving on, bacitos, it's not. It's about freeing ourselves from those chains of our experiences, our trauma, our hurts, to be able to connect fully with others. By embracing empathy over retaliation or this gotcha vibe, we create a space for understanding, we create a space for healing, we create a space for meaningful conversations and that right there, that is where it's at, those meaningful conversations. So thank you for joining me today If you found this episode to be helpful, if you have had those really tough conversations with your exes or people that really hurt you and you did it some sort of way or you wish you would have done it a different way, or you did do it a different way and you're very happy about it.

Speaker 1: 29:02

I would like to hear from you, share your thoughts. If you don't have any of that, leave me a review so that way you can help me to continue on this podcast and we can grow together. Until next time, I am Joani Ortega. The H is silent, reminding you to listen with an open heart and let go of the past to embrace the present. Take care and I'll see you on the next episode. Bye, thank you so much for listening. I want to hear from you. Leave me a comment, do a rating if you can on the podcast, share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next time. Bye.