Unlocking Deeper Connections: The Power of Active Listening and Love Languages

Ever felt like your conversations were missing a deeper connection? I sure did, until a surprising twist at a singles retreat taught me the profound impact of active listening and the five love languages. Discover how this unexpected lesson helped me bond with my son through our shared love language of acts of service. By setting distractions aside and truly being present, I learned to communicate in a way that strengthened not just my personal relationships, but my professional ones too.

Join me as we unpack the principles of Master Resiliency training and the transformative power of active, constructive responding (ACR). We’ll explore how to avoid derailing positive interactions by steering clear of message hijacking, pessimism, and outright neglect. Using the analogy of treating good news like a precious gift, I’ll share practical strategies for enhancing meaningful connections both at home and at work. You’ll hear insightful stories from my life as a single parent and professional, offering you the tools to become a better listener and create more resilient relationships.

Enter a world of fear, resilience, and generational trauma in "The Devil That Haunts Me". Follow Isabella and Julitza as they confront their demons in a tale of suspense, mystery, and the supernatural.

Explore the first seven chapters here

Chapters

• 0:00 Season of Growth and Active Listening
• 10:03 The Power of Active Listening

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh we could, we could fly. Welcome to this new season of the have a Cup of Johani podcast. So I want to title this new season that I'm embarking on with I'm Growing, so this is going to be the season of growth and that's what I'm going to share with you throughout the season. So I thank you for coming over here and sitting with me and I hope you enjoy. Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of have a Cup of Joanie podcast. I am your host, joanie Ortega, or Joa.

Speaker 1: 0:39

This month, we are diving into the lessons that I've learned when it comes to communication. Last Wednesday, last episode, was about mean what you say and say what you mean, and today's episode is all about the crucial skill that has transformed my relationships, both personally and professionally, which is active listening. Are you ready? Of course you are. Of course you are, because why else would you be listening to this? All right peeps. So in a world where phones right, I say this as I'm looking at my phone where phones often steal our attention, learning to active listen can be a game changer. A game changer. It's a skill that can nourish our relationships and show others that we genuinely care about what they have to say, my journey in mastering active listening began, believe it or not, with a book. I know, I know how odd is that. It began with the five love language books. Let me go back in time for you. Let me give you a little story time. Go ahead, gather around, gather around time for you. Let me give you a little story time. Go ahead, gather around, gather around peeps, grab your favorite beverage.

Speaker 1: 2:18

So I went into a singles retreat. I was a single mom at that time with my son and he was elementary age, and every trip, everything that I would do, he would come with me. I was stationed in Europe at that time as well. And then there was this event, a singles retreat. So of course I jumped at the chance, because oftentimes what military units put on is couples retreat, but being that I was a single parent, you parent, I was like I never went into one of those, obviously because that's not my demographic. So I jumped at the chance of going and I was able to bring my son. So, even better, that retreat comically so turned into a last minute couples retreat and I just never got the memo. I literally never got the info. They changed it like a few days before it started because it just wasn't a big draw of single people that were interested in RSVP to the event, except for like me. So they canceled it. I didn't get the memo and then I ended up going into the bus before we took off and then I noticed that everybody in those seats seemed to be chummy with the other and I was like, wow, so the people coupled up right before the event. I was like what's happening? And then I turned I think it was to the chaplain assistant and he was like oh yeah, this is a couple's retreat. I was like that's not what I signed up for and at first I'm thinking that I have the wrong bus. And then he explained how it had changed because not many people only me signed up for it and so forth. I look at my son. I was like, well, I guess we're going into this couples singles retreat.

Speaker 1: 4:12

At that time most of those couples retreats had to do with getting to know one another and getting to know how to communicate and deal with one another, and the book that was often used was the five love languages. Thankfully for me, because it started out as a singles retreat, they had the version for single people. So that way, and that version geared more towards how to get to know oneself what my love language is, so that way I'm able to connect with somebody that can give me the feedback that I need, and also be able to share with the other person what my love language is, so that way we can have an easier time connecting and getting to know one another. And as it is because my son was there, what I did was I utilized those lessons so I can get to know what his love language is, so that way I can ensure that I'm meeting his needs. I'm feeling and this is where I got that phrase that I often say love bucket that I'm feeling his love bucket. Long and behold, I'm an acts of service person. My son is also an acts of service person. So our love language is when somebody does something for us without us having to even ask or talk about it.

Speaker 1: 5:36

But also a part of this marriage slash, single slash, single parent retreat was that we had to understand the bit about active listening, because in order to understand what somebody's love language is right, first we have to listen to that other person, as they explain to us what that is In an indirect way. That retreat taught me how to put everything down, put my phone away, look at the person that is talking to me during that retreat it was my son and just fully listen and be in the moment so that way I can understand what they're saying. So that was kind of like my first introduction to legitimate, active listening from someone that was giving me a lesson. In this case it was a chaplain of that unit. He was trying to explain to us how to open ourselves up to listening to this other person as we discuss with one another. This is my love language, and my son was saying this is my love language, and my son was saying this is my love language. So that broke me into understanding.

Speaker 1: 6:50

I needed to let go of my fidgeting ways and I needed to let go of all the thoughts that were in my head when somebody approached me to have a conversation. But that's not all, of course. That's not all that were in my head when somebody approached me to have a conversation. But that's not all, of course that's not all. It will never be all with me, and if you have stuck around, you know my stories are not this short. So next right, continue on drinking your favorite beverage while you're listening to this.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Next, I went into the master resiliency training and I have a whole story about that which I will use in another episode about how I started that path of becoming a master resiliency trainer. But let me just say that when I went to the school for this in Fort Bliss, texas, one of the things that this training teaches you not just to be self-aware, which self-awareness is a big thing, it teaches you who you are as a person, so that way you're able to mitigate some things or you're able to nourish other things that are part of your being who you are. But this training taught me to stay present and genuinely engage with the person, like genuinely. It emphasized the importance of listening not just with our ears, but with reciprocating the movement of the other person. This course went in depth, not just like you got to listen right, you got to let go of what you're thinking, you got to like put your phone down and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 8:36

No, this went into depth as to how I can mirror body language so that way I can show the other person that I'm actually listening, because, believe it or not, it's all these small cues that one has, body cues that one have that you can tell a whole story to somebody else, and this is without knowing, because as human beings we ingest the world with our senses. For some of us we have the visual sense. That gives us the ability to see other things and people, and then we're able to digest information through that visual cue. That tells us quite a lot and as we grow we kind of understand the most simplest and minute gestures. That tells us something how that person is feeling, certain reactions that that person may have, and so forth. So when I went to this training, it went further than what I had learned from the singles couple single parent retreat that I went to and it went into more of the scientific aspect of how to open oneself up for a conversation and with me, when I can. How do I say this? When I can put together the science and then the spiritual aspect of it, it creates a whole picture for me.

Speaker 1: 10:03

And that's what was happening here with the Master Resiliency course. But that's not all the Master Resiliency training. It was this week-long training. The very first day is about the general version of it. That's where we learned self-awareness and all of that what I just told you. But then we go into understanding each skill folks and we go in depth into all of these.

Speaker 1: 10:26

It was 12 skills at the time and one of those skills was ACR active, constructive responding and it's all about how we respond to others in a way that builds and strengthens relationships. And the skill shows us three other ways that we can respond to others. Who brings us news, brings us good news. Those other threes are not the most productive ways to respond to people, because you're either hijacking their message and you're taking it over, or you're either being pessimistic about it and showing them everything that could go wrong. It is another one just completely ignores the message. They're either too preoccupied with other things, distracted and give zero verbal and nonverbal cues to the other person to let them know that they are listening to their message. Let them know that they are listening to their message. So those are the three things that you can do to mess up this entire conversation with somebody else that will bring you good news, and one of the things that the instructor said during this time that has stayed with me.

Speaker 1: 11:45

I went to this training so many years ago, like 12 years ago but one thing that stayed with me was that he explained to us. When somebody brings you good news, treat it as a gift. Because he was like this is a gift. Somebody went out of their way to wrap this thing up and thought about something that you may want to have. So they prepped this gift right, they thought about you and they're bringing it over. So how do you want to react to that to nourish that relationship? And when he posted in that manner, it kind of clicked in my brain and I appreciate people that use analogies, that use relatable analogies. That helps other people understand. That's why I make this podcast with my examples. I enjoy that, so I want to give that to other people. It's also a way that it's easier for me to convey a message. Also a way that it's easier for me to convey a message. So when he said that, everything clicked For me.

Speaker 1: 13:00

Usually when I learn a lesson, it takes me back to a time when I didn't do it so well and as a single mom. At that time I remember things where I didn't quite share my son's enthusiasm when he brought it over to me, because I was exhausted from work, preoccupied with other things and so forth, so I wasn't able to be in the moment and remember. This is after already going through the five love languages and all of that. So, little by little, all these experiences were teaching me how to be a better communicator through listening. Because when it comes to communication if you haven't heard me say this, let me say it now listening is the most important piece. A lot of the times we think that is the talking piece, but that's the least important. The most important one is the listening piece. So from that I mentally berated myself a little bit, not going to lie right, I was like man. I really messed it up with my son, another reason why I just I want him to go see a counselor and tap into therapy, because I think it will pay dividends for him.

Speaker 1: 14:13

But I learned so much from that. More importantly, I put it into practice at home, with my son at work with my soldiers as well, with my son at work with my soldiers as well. And one of the things that I forced myself to do from understanding what I had learned in that moment was to put my phone away. So I remember being a first sergeant and people would come to me to share good and bad news more often bad news. So I would just open my drawer, slide my phone in so that way it wouldn't be a distractor, and then place my hand over the desk and hold on to my fidgety hands and raise my head and look at them and just listen. Raise my head and look at them and just listen. And that taught me so much more about their story. And I remember looking at this entire person as they were in my office, seeing the nonverbal cues, seeing the hardship in their faces, seeing the sweatiness sliding down their temple. That just gave me a well-rounded understanding of what the person was going through.

Speaker 1: 17:52

And at home I remember doing something similar so that way I can be present for my son, so that way I can be present for my son, turning off the TV, flipping down my laptop and then just looking at him. And I remember when he would say something in the car and I would be like, do you want to tell me this? When I am able to look at you, because I remember reading that in another book how sometimes car conversations are not the best, especially if the kid is in the back, because you don't have that eye-to-eye contact, that full view of the person that can let them know I am here, I am listening to you. So I was putting all these bits and pieces to practice, to understand. I have to continuously remind myself to practice the skills that I learned, because it's so much easier when a conversation is tough to reach for your phone. It's so much easier when a conversation is tough to go in la-la land in my head. It's so much easier because avoiding it is so much easier than actually going through it and listening and being there. But I remind myself how much more I am learning when I take away the distractions and then just look at a person and you are learning so much more. I am telling you you're learning so much more and I want you to practice this. But I'm going to tell you how that manifested for me.

Speaker 1: 19:54

When I would listen with my phone on my hand or while trying to do multiple things at once and sometimes I catch myself doing this I would say go ahead, I'm listening as I'm typing, as I'm responding to an email, as I'm doing something or whatnot. But it will be bits and pieces of that conversation that I will actually be able to grasp Because, believe it or not, the brain cannot do two tasks at once and you can Google this. The brain is only doing one task at a time and when you have to switch from one task to another, there's a second of pauses in your brain where it's shifting. It's doing the mental work of switching you from different parts of the brain that are working to do the various tasks that you're trying to do. So you're actually not doing two at once, you're doing one.

Speaker 1: 20:49

In my case, while I was typing and I was telling this person I'm still listening, my brain was switching from typing few second pause to listening. So in that conversation I was really grasping only bits and pieces of the conversation and you see how I was missing out on a lot of things. I was missing out Because when you only hear bits and pieces, you don't have the full story. So just think right, it's a sentence. So I'm going to say this sentence as a single mom. Mastering active listening has helped me to show my son that I truly care. Imagine if all you hear is mom listening care. You see, did you understand what I was trying to say? No, but someone who is preoccupied, someone who is trying to do two things at once, is not capturing the entire sentence, the entire thing that someone is saying. Therefore, they're not going to really understand. Therefore, they will not be able to be that helpful to that other person or gain whatever information they're trying to gain from the other person. So when I started active listening and I was able to fully listen to what the other person says, connections started happening.

Speaker 1: 22:16

I get this thing where people are like, wow, you really connect with people, but it's not magic, it's not magical sauce, there's nothing special that makes me connect with people. I just simply listen, that's it. That's it. I just I let people talk and I listen and I keep myself from disrupting them. Interrupting them, that's it. That's all that I'm doing. Interrupting them, that's it. That's all that I'm doing. But people feel as if that is something out of this world, or I guess they don't often get that from somebody else that immediately they think like, oh, this person is awesome, and then they'll continue to bring me news because I fully listen to them. That's it. That's it. That's the magic right there. Okay, so if you ever hear somebody talk about me like, oh, she connects with people, so well, you know she's. So that's all that I'm doing. It's nothing special, nothing special. I just simply just listen to the person and I want you to practice that. I want you to practice that. And I am not perfect.

Speaker 1: 23:26

I still have to remind myself to put my phone down, look away from the screen. So now in my office I have a stand-up screen so when people come right, sometimes I'm in there typing. I'm always doing something, so it's not like I'm not doing something. So I love it when people come in and they're like are you busy? Yes, I am, but I'm going to make time for you. You know, like I don't want to lie and say, no, I'm not busy, don't worry, because I am, but I'm always doing something. So it's not like me being busy stops me from listening to somebody else. I will make the time to listen. So I force myself to either tell the person let me finish this email or let me finish this one thing, so that way I can listen to you, or I actually just stop what I'm doing, shift to my right and look at that person and, kind of like, step away from the screen so that way I can look at that person. Sometimes I sit down so I can be more comfortable. Sometimes I put my phone screen down so that way I don't see any notifications and things of that nature. That's what I do With my son.

Speaker 1: 24:39

I started having these car communications with him. I know for him he prefers privacy when it's our one-on-one talks. So I do the same thing put the phone away, just give him that undivided attention, wait until it's just him and I Most of the time it's when we're in the car together and then just the thing in motion. And I think for him it helps if I'm not looking at him directly, because it's this certain kind of pride there that he feels like he should know and have excelled at certain things. So I think with the stare, with the look, sometimes it may seem as if I'm being judgmental or someone is judging him. So I think what works for those types of communication is to be in motion, either in a walk or either traveling and having other things to look at, and then just have that conversation, that vulnerable conversation. And that's what I have seen that has worked. And, as you can see, that takes me understanding the other person and having practiced certain techniques to see what works for that person and then molding my actions to what works for them, so that way I'm able to listen to their story and I'm able to accept that gift that they're giving me fully.

Speaker 1: 26:06

So, to recap this episode on active listening, I talked about the foundation that I had which was a very comical one, believe it or not through the five love language books, through single slash, couple slash, single parent retreat. Then I went further into understanding it through MRT training and developed a skill even more through practicing the ACR skill, which is active, constructive, responding. As a single mom, mastering active listening has helped me to show my son that I truly care about his thoughts and feelings. It has also helped me to do that with my teammates and in my role as a leader, to help me to build trust and rapport and connections with them. And I want you to practice this. I want you to practice it, try it. Try it If you're like me and you're kind of like this talkative person. It's going to be hard, it's not going to be easy, but it is so worth it and you'll be surprised how much you learn about somebody else when you do it.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Active listening is more than just a communication skill. It's a way to show love and respect in our relationships, whether it be personal, professional relationships. And in today's age where distractions are literally everywhere, committing to listen actively can make a world of difference and you will see that, all of a sudden, people will be looking at you as if you're like this interpersonal guru and all you're doing is just listening. Thank you for joining me today on have a Couple Johnny podcast, and I hope that you found this episode insightful and that it inspires you to practice active listening in your own life. Don't forget to practice it. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and share it with your friend, because sharing is scaring. And, as always, stay tuned for more discussions on how we can navigate the complexities of life and relationships through my very comical examples.

Speaker 1: 28:19

Until next time, I am Joani Ortega and I am reminding you to listen with your heart and your soul. Let's build connections together. See you next Wednesday. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. I want to hear from you. Leave me a comment, do a rating, if you can on the podcast. Share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next on the podcast. Share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next time. Bye.