Turning Vulnerability Into Strength: My Journey From Defensiveness to Empathy

Feeling perpetually on guard, my childhood was riddled with insecurities, a lazy eye being my Achilles' heel that fueled relentless teasing. It wasn't until a hard-hitting moment of self-awareness, where I unjustly lashed out at someone with nothing but kindness in their heart, that I realized the need to evolve beyond my defensiveness. This episode is an intimate reveal of that transformation, a reminder that growth often sprouts from the soil of difficult experiences and self-reflection. I'll walk you through the pivotal points of my journey, the lessons learned, and the introspection that reshaped my understanding of criticism.

Cracking open the journal that became my roadmap to empathy, I discovered how to lower my defenses and explore the deeper reasons behind my snap reactions. In sharing this process, I aim to guide you toward recognizing your own triggers, showing how an open heart can lead to deeper connections and an enriched life. The discussion underscores the importance of owning our actions and the strength found in vulnerability. As we progress through these revelations together, I promise a perspective shift where the world's benevolence outshines past pains, and staying receptive to life's lessons becomes a truly rewarding endeavor.

Resources:
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Enter a world of fear, resilience, and generational trauma in "The Devil That Haunts Me". Follow Isabella and Julitza as they confront their demons in a tale of suspense, mystery, and the supernatural.

Explore the first seven chapters here

Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Defensiveness for Growth
• 13:39 Overcoming Defensiveness Through Self-Reflection

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Oh we could, we could fly. Welcome to this new season of the have a Cup of Johani podcast. So I want to title this new season that I'm embarking on with I'm Growing, so this is going to be the season of growth and that's what I'm going to share with you throughout the season. So I thank you for coming over here and sitting with me and I hope you enjoy. Hello everyone, and to be brutally honest with you all, this is the second time I'm recording this. I'm a little peeved because the first time my microphone went out so I didn't capture the complete episode. So if this one doesn't sound as good, I'm just going to go ahead and say that the first one sounded better. Nevertheless, welcome back to the have a Cup of Johnny podcast, where I peel back layers of experiences to find little nuggets of wisdom beneath the embarrassing moment.

Speaker 1: 1:10

I'm your host, joa, and I am here to just stir the introspection pot per se, and today we are going to stir up something that is a tad bit bitter kind of tea, but essential for growth nonetheless. Are you ready? Let's go. So today we're talking about overcoming defensiveness to embrace learning. I was venting one day and I was like I don't get it, why people throw away the message just because they don't like the messenger. And, as I tend to do when I vent, I have this quiet moment afterwards where I'm like, what did? I just said that I just said. And I come to realize that I used to be that way. I used to do the thing that I am now venting about.

Speaker 1: 2:37

Growing up, I was armed, and I'm telling you, armed. I was ready to defend myself against any comment that will come my way. Why, you may say, why was I so defensive, since I was very little? Well, if this is your first time listening to this and this is your first time getting to know me, let me just tell you so I was born different than others. I was born looking different than others. I was born with a lazy eye, which means that my right eye is not aligned as my left one is because the muscles in there are not all strong air quotes here. So because of that, it is partly misaligned than it looks to the outer edge most of the time. So growing up this way, right, it meant that every time I will step outside.

Speaker 1: 3:42

It was more or less a battleground for me. I had to learn very early on how to be quick on my feet per se, with my words and eventually, unfortunately, physically as well. And I had to learn that because I had to figure out a way to survive bullying, to survive teasing, to survive people treating me less than because I look different. So it kind of molded me into somebody that was always at the ready for an attack even when an attack was not coming. So, mind you, right me, growing up and learning all of these in order to survive helped me out a lot.

Speaker 1: 4:41

But it kind of also held me back from understanding how to differentiate between critique and cruelty. You see, so while now I understand and I can differentiate it, before with my immaturity and just my lack of living and experience I couldn't. I literally was just like I said, I hate to repeat myself just trying to survive these streets, to be honest with you. So if the messenger would approach me and didn't fit my criteria of likability like, let's say, they would come and they will have a smirk that I would often see on someone that would tease me constantly I shut them down right away, like they probably couldn't even get in one or two words before I was like, ah, you know, in there, like tackling and calling them out on like the physical stuff that I will see on them before they even get to point out my stuff. You see what I'm saying. So I would stop kind of like that dialogue from happening. But during that time I was like Joy, you're doing a great job, you know, you're keeping yourself safe out here.

Speaker 1: 6:05

But when I found out that I wasn't doing it correctly, not only was I keeping myself safe, but I was also keeping myself from connecting with others, and that was when my spidey senses got it completely wrong and a genuine kind person was trying to talk to me. They were trying to share something and I remember we were all in a car together going somewhere and they were talking about eyes. If I remember correctly, it was a little while back, I want to say like 25 years back and right away it's like, right, it's a click that happened. I'm like, oh, if the conversation is steering in towards this, then I know from experience, right, that there will be a cruel joke in there at my expense. And I remember just attacking this person and, mind you, I knew from dealing with this person before that they were genuinely nice and kind. But, as it is when one has been traumatized for so long, sometimes that logic just goes out the window. You see, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say here.

Speaker 1: 7:37

It's just while I knew that they were a kind person, as soon as that triggered occurred with that word, the warrior Joah got turned on right away and I went in like I usually do, like relentless, you know, because I'm like one thing about me, especially back then right, I was not going to lose. It's like losing. What is that? Nah, nah, nah, not in front of people, you know, not, not like that. My ego was like super huge and I remember the frustration just breaking through towards the end of my attack on them. God, I feel like so shitty right now just recounting this and they looked at me and they had tears in their eyes and I want to cry now. They was like that's not at all what I meant, you know, they told me and it was like Johnny, like I would never talk to you in that manner.

Speaker 1: 8:48

And you know, when you know that somebody is being truly genuine and truly kind and I saw that when they replied, it's like the spell was broken and it dawned on me on that moment. I'm getting a little sensitive here because it's kind of like a shitty thing that I did back then. But it was my wake-up call that told me that my defensiveness had become like this dungeon, that my defensiveness had become like this dungeon, this wall border that you know, just locked me away from growth, from connection, from healing, and that was saddening at that time to have hurt that individual and the connection just broke from that moment because, unfortunately, something that I say often is that words are powerful. Words weigh quite a lot and once they are said, they can never be unsaid. And and that's what I did and while the bullies are, are completely real you're not gonna see me here like thanking them for making me who I am. I don't think anybody should be a bully, because I think it's just it's awful.

Speaker 1: 10:20

The pain that I felt, just trying to survive as a person that looks different, was also very real. My survival tactics was like something that I had to do so that way I can just stay living and going to school and doing the things that all human beings should be doing, so that way they can progress in life. But I think at one point in my life I needed to learn to have a turning point, to allow myself to grow and not to block out the message of certain individuals, to not have gotten so defensive where I closed myself off from genuine, kind people and while at that time I just knew that what I had done was like super shitty and I felt really guilty. And to this day, if you can hear my voice, I feel horrible about it, just thinking about it. But it wasn't until I read the book that to this day I don't have to read it. I remember it.

Speaker 1: 11:58

There's this one thing that just resonated with me so deeply. That is that the idea that others' actions and words are more about their own battles and their own trauma than it is about me. And I don't know if it clicked for you just now like it clicked for me back then, but I am telling you, like I even post this to me, with the action that I just recounted Me attacking that super kind individual that was my friend at the time was all about the trauma and the scars that I had than it was about them. And this mantra resonated so much with me because I could see the truth in there. I could go back into all the experiences that I've had with people, all the negatives, the not so good, the positive ones, and I can ascertain that that in fact is true, because we're all kind of like in our own worlds, in our own heads and, like the author explains, like we're all living our own dream, like the author explains, like we're all living our own dream and based on what we experience in that dream.

Speaker 1: 13:39

When we come across another individual in their own dream, we engage them based on the dream that we're living, not based on the dream of that other individual. So that's why I know that, interacting with one another and when people attack me, my first thought usually is usually because God knows, I'm not perfect is gosh, I think this person is having a bad day today, you know. Or I wonder sometimes this is a question that comes through I wonder what they're going through right now to have such a reaction. So, as opposed to me getting defensive for the most part, I feel empathy first. Now, mind you, I still don't like being attacked. No-transcript. I feel like a shitty individual now.

Speaker 1: 17:05

But look, I lowered my shield. I learned to do so and I realized that I wasn't just open to criticism when I lowered my shield, but I was also open to learning, to building empathy to hearing what the other person has to say, with that understanding that if anything in there kind of scratches at my scars, it is more to do with what the person is living, what dream they're in, than it does about me. So if you're listening to this and you're like past Joa, if you're kind of like me back then or you know somebody that is like that, refer them to this episode. But if you are kind of like how I was back then, I would say recognize triggers. That was very important for me to learn to understand my emotions. I had to recognize the triggers. I had to recognize why the triggers were there in the first place, and then I was able to understand why I had the reaction that I had. And all of this kind of went through a filtering of sorts that I did by using journaling methods on an app and on my notebook and I was able to recount things that would happen Like this day, somebody said this and I will write what they said, and I felt like this, you know, and then, and then it will happen again, and then I will. I will write it again. It will be a different story, right, because it will happen like an interaction with another person and after all so many of those, I was able to look back and find the triggers in there.

Speaker 1: 19:02

But not just that I was able to understand the emotions that I was having. I was able to understand the feelings that kind of like simmer inside of me and they were able to clue me in on my body's reactions to these words, and that was very important, because I used to get so angry that I would forget things. People will say like man, joannie, that was harsh, so you remember you said this. You said that I was like no, I don't remember, like I just got really mad and whatever came out of my mouth, that's what came out of my mouth. You know, whatever I did, that's what I did. But I I wouldn't remember some of those things because my anger would have just shut down, kind of like part of my memory and I would just go in. It was really this flight or fight emotion and I stood there and fought. So I had like really bad anger issues, right.

Speaker 1: 20:03

But as I was able to dissect moments and dissect my emotions through those moments, then I was able to understand and really like, look at myself in the mirror, understand that I've been hurt a lot. The trauma that I incurred throughout my life had given me scars and those scars had given me triggers. And when those triggers are stepped on, I felt certain emotions. And by discerning all of this and doing that self assessment and gaining that self feedback about what happened, when I thought somebody was trying to attack me, that's when I was able to look at myself and understand that I was doing something that was hindering me, that was keeping me from growing. While it was protecting my emotions, it was keeping me from growing and making connections that will continue to help me to grow down the line.

Speaker 1: 21:17

And that was an uncomfortable pill to swallow, to be honest with you, because I had to take responsibility of my actions. I could no longer blame the bullies. I had to tell myself you did this, you know. Yes, some of it helped you. Yes, some of it allowed you to survive and should even thrive, but I wasn't able to cut it off to where it also allowed me to grow. So learn from me.

Speaker 1: 21:56

Hopefully you are not a past, joa, but if you are like me in the past, just know that there's a I will always like. Lead them towards a journal. I will kindly share my journal with them and show them what I do and their and how I do it, because I'm telling you that the moment that I start uncovering myself through journaling, I was able to understand the person that I am and I was able to track how I can become the person that I want to be. So if you're interested and you want to know more, let me know. You can send me an email. The email is joa at haveacouplejoaniecom. That is joa at haveacouplejoaniecom.

Speaker 1: 23:07

So, in closing, peeps our journey today super uncomfortable for me, not gonna lie. I hope it reminds us that defensiveness, while while it is a natural reaction, can become a barrier to connections if we allow it to be. It can become a barrier to understanding, it can become a barrier to compassion for others and, like I said, it can become a barrier to growth. And it is not easy. It is not easy. I am not going to sit here and lie to you that it is so easy to open yourself up to others. It is not. I'm still working on that, but it's worth it. It is so worth it because it is more good people out there Believe it or not, believe it or not, it is more good than bad out there.

Speaker 1: 24:08

We get hurt with those bad ones, and sometimes our heart gets hurt so much that we want to think that everyone else is just like that one person that hurted us. But it's not. So let's keep our cups open and our hearts ready to receive the lessons that this thing called life has to offer, and don't forget to join me for another uncomfortable cup of truth tea, so that way we can all embrace that uncomfortable vulnerability and put our shields down a little bit every once in a while and come and grow with me. All right, thank you for allowing me to muddle through this with you, and I will see you next Wednesday. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. I want to hear from you, leave me a comment, do a rating if you can on the podcast, share it with somebody you love, but, most importantly, come back. See you next time. Bye.